Monday, December 12, 2005
hello pple...er watched saw just now..er..im gonna share about retreat! er...im not good at sharings..you know.but i thought that i should cos...er...so yeah..
*Breathes in deeply...here goes...
ok well at first i thought this camp wasn't going to be a good one for me..honestly..because i was really distracted and all..i just couldn't concentrate and my realtionship with God wasn't as strong as it should be..i kept sleeping in talks and didn't take things seriously...i didn't feel the confession was good either because things just became routine for me..this was also because whenever i tried to grow closer to God..like lifting my hands or saying a prayer or just prasing God..i felt what i was doing wasn't sincere or genuine because of how far a had drifted away from God and did them halfheartedly feeling unworthy this whole time..but sharings are the only part i really liked...because someone told me to just try..just keep trying..no matter what..things may not always be easy but God is always waiting there with open arms if you are just willing to try and reach out to him...so i did..i tried..
I tried my hardest during the praying over to open up to God..to surrender myself but i felt nothing...in fact i only felt scared and confused and worst of all disappointed with myself..i felt i wasnt trying hard enough and i was just not important in God's eyes..i felt neglected and i was super depressed..and sad...in fact i felt horrid because...i didn't feel..well..loved... .all around me pple felt God presence and love...i was happy for them..but still... i know i shoudn't have any expectations but i couldn't help it...at night i couldnt help singing to my self the planetshakers song..."jesus please don't pass me by"... maybe i'll use that as the next blog song..
so on the third day...when i heard there was a sudden praying over after the evagelisation talk (which i slept through halfway) i was like ...oh no...i dun wanna go..i didn;t wanna feel disappointed again..but something urged me to go for it... so i prayed to God before i went up about how much i felt deep inside and what my heart really desired you know..to grow closer to him and all...then when terence prayed over me...i could feel the holy spirit flowing through him as what i had just prayed to God...terence had just said it out too..and even the things which my heart so wanted to cry out to God but felt i just couldnt say... he did... woah did i feel my eyes smart as they swelled up with tears..then as i sat back down...it all sank in...God was always there walking with me every step of the day and he knew me so well even the feelings that i could not put into words he knew..every bit of me..i felt so...loved...then woah drip drip goes my tears and in my heart the song "even though you know" came to me and i started to sing it to myself inside as it really reflected how i felt inside... then what do you know the same song just happend to be our closing song so as we started to lift our hands and sing it..i tried to..i just couldn;t sing it..if i did i wanted to cry it out instead as it then meant so much to me...to me it was a real sign of God's love for me and how well he knew me...and so i bawled...ok you guys know the rest.. haha
well i guys...i hope my sharing helps...just know that no matter how you feel inside...God does know and cares as he loves you so so much...and he is always there waiting for us with open arms ready to embrace us with a big divine hug if we just accept him and ourselves for who we are and keep trying...trying to reach out for him, he will be there without fail...we must find him in our hearts...because no matter who we are or what ever we have done...he will love us all the same....no matter what..
And for those who are scared or unsure whether or not to reach out to the Lord..just remember..he will never close the door...and he will wait for you all your life...but don;t wait too long till your dead! hehe.. just trust in the lord with all your heart and he will love you with all of his....
phew! that was long.... if you notice in the second last paragraph i used a commar for the 1st time... ive gotta stop this bad habit with all the dots..............
im gonna post the "don't pass me by song on my blog...so if u ever want to hear it..maybe it has a message for those who felt the same as i did...hehe
Nise-
hello pple...er watched saw just now..er..im gonna share about retreat! er...im not good at sharings..you know.but i thought that i should cos...er...so yeah..
*Breathes in deeply...here goes...
ok well at first i thought this camp wasn't going to be a good one for me..honestly..because i was really distracted and all..i just couldn't concentrate and my realtionship with God wasn't as strong as it should be..i kept sleeping in talks and didn't take things seriously...i didn't feel the confession was good either because things just became routine for me..this was also because whenever i tried to grow closer to God..like lifting my hands or saying a prayer or just prasing God..i felt what i was doing wasn't sincere or genuine because of how far a had drifted away from God and did them halfheartedly feeling unworthy this whole time..but sharings are the only part i really liked...because someone told me to just try..just keep trying..no matter what..things may not always be easy but God is always waiting there with open arms if you are just willing to try and reach out to him...so i did..i tried..
I tried my hardest during the praying over to open up to God..to surrender myself but i felt nothing...in fact i only felt scared and confused and worst of all disappointed with myself..i felt i wasnt trying hard enough and i was just not important in God's eyes..i felt neglected and i was super depressed..and sad...in fact i felt horrid because...i didn't feel..well..loved... .all around me pple felt God presence and love...i was happy for them..but still... i know i shoudn't have any expectations but i couldn't help it...at night i couldnt help singing to my self the planetshakers song..."jesus please don't pass me by"... maybe i'll use that as the next blog song..
so on the third day...when i heard there was a sudden praying over after the evagelisation talk (which i slept through halfway) i was like ...oh no...i dun wanna go..i didn;t wanna feel disappointed again..but something urged me to go for it... so i prayed to God before i went up about how much i felt deep inside and what my heart really desired you know..to grow closer to him and all...then when terence prayed over me...i could feel the holy spirit flowing through him as what i had just prayed to God...terence had just said it out too..and even the things which my heart so wanted to cry out to God but felt i just couldnt say... he did... woah did i feel my eyes smart as they swelled up with tears..then as i sat back down...it all sank in...God was always there walking with me every step of the day and he knew me so well even the feelings that i could not put into words he knew..every bit of me..i felt so...loved...then woah drip drip goes my tears and in my heart the song "even though you know" came to me and i started to sing it to myself inside as it really reflected how i felt inside... then what do you know the same song just happend to be our closing song so as we started to lift our hands and sing it..i tried to..i just couldn;t sing it..if i did i wanted to cry it out instead as it then meant so much to me...to me it was a real sign of God's love for me and how well he knew me...and so i bawled...ok you guys know the rest.. haha
well i guys...i hope my sharing helps...just know that no matter how you feel inside...God does know and cares as he loves you so so much...and he is always there waiting for us with open arms ready to embrace us with a big divine hug if we just accept him and ourselves for who we are and keep trying...trying to reach out for him, he will be there without fail...we must find him in our hearts...because no matter who we are or what ever we have done...he will love us all the same....no matter what..
And for those who are scared or unsure whether or not to reach out to the Lord..just remember..he will never close the door...and he will wait for you all your life...but don;t wait too long till your dead! hehe.. just trust in the lord with all your heart and he will love you with all of his....
phew! that was long.... if you notice in the second last paragraph i used a commar for the 1st time... ive gotta stop this bad habit with all the dots..............
im gonna post the "don't pass me by song on my blog...so if u ever want to hear it..maybe it has a message for those who felt the same as i did...hehe
Nise-