Sunday, March 27, 2011
here are my thoughts on finding a life-partner
many of us feel the need to be love in an intimate relationship. this in a sense approaches the promises of heaven.
an obsession of it Can easily skew our priorities by a little too much. Sins of sexual nature tend to warp our perception of realities. it is normal for each of us to be attracted to more than one, but what decides a person is the one we should be really with?
why monogamy? we must realised that due to our finite nature, we cannot maintain 2 or more relationships without being able to maintain both. also, emotionally and mentally, we will be biased to one of the persons.
Although physical attraction is necessary in an intimate relationship, it is something that wears after some time. we are especially rendered down by this since we are so used to experiencing new stuff by the media and at an age where we are growing, our minds change very quickly. there has to be a spiritual connection some how.
How does it feel to be rejected? And how does it feel to break up? It is painful and sometimes it drives us to change ourselves and our sense of reality. Change may be good, but will it make you better? letting go is not the same squashing it into a corner of our hearts.
trust is an important thing in a relationship. you have to trust that he/she loves you even in the presence of others. trying to manipulate someone to do what you want only leaves the person bitter and like sand in your hands the harder you hold it the faster it leaks out.
Loving someone may very well mean that you have to be happy for someone so dear to your heart. and also willing to love someone you have no certainty over how the relationship will develop into.
Like the woman from the well we are thirsty. let God feel our need to be loved and to love.
signed out
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
All who are weary and burdened go encounter God,
for what is more refreshing and comforting than hte face of our Lord?
We take up our cross therafter, weighed down less with it,
after exchanging out tinted lenses with clarity.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
God's mercy, fill us from within!
The main theme I got from today's Gospel and Father Bosco's homily at mass is about judgement. But it led to many more questions and reflections.
Luke 6: 36-38 'Be compassionate just as your Father is compassionate. Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and there will be gifts for you: a full measure, pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap; because the standard you use will be the standard used for you.'
I first realised that the reason why sometimes I am so hard on myself is because I judge people and I understand that I need to measure myself by the standard in which I judge people. But then this question comes to me, if it about holiness and our Christian way of life, shouldn't I be striving for greater holiness? All of us are called to holiness, we should set a high standard for ourselves and hence, be challenging others to do so. Guess the answer I got was the different between challenging and judging. One should not take the "holier than thou" attitude when challenging, but coming from true concern and love for the brother or sister. Nevertheless, it is a result of pride that I deem myself to be more holy, and thus the need for me to challenge or judge. Its a confusing puzzle, a circular one in that.
This brings to mind an article by Father Ronald Rolheiser that Melmel showed me. It talks about trusting in God's mercy. Not to appear condescending, he explains why we need to understand the person's situation and trust that God's mercy and grace will flow through. It isn't always through us and through our challenges that the person will change but it is through God. Having said that, it would still be our responsibility to direct him or her to God. So we gotta see it from a larger perspective - that we all are given God's mercy and grace. We need to be as compassionate as He is, as loving as He is and as forgiving as He is. We must strive for holiness and closeness towards God but that doesn't give us the authority to judge. It however, prompts us to challenge and to love like He did.
Lord, in this time of ministry, I implore your guidance as I wade through this murky ground of challenging and judging. Let not the Devil tempt me. But I pray for Your Grace to fill me. Amen.
mark
Even when the darkness deepens around me like a heavy cloak, i know you have been with me.
Should i take any step, i know you carry me.
You embrace me in your arms; i throw myself into me.
My cries reach you and you are moved to my aid with the deepest sympathy.
O Lord, you will lead me out of this wretched enthralling doom.
Keep us all O Lord, that we may enter your peace.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fully Human, Fully Divine
The session today by Mel was really interesting. It offered not only his spirituality, but the understanding of many others.
Before I go deeper into my reflection for today and about the session, i will apologize for the big hoo-ha I threw up over what von said for the passage and also clarify my discomfort with it. I talked to Andrew about it and he hit the nail on its head. We both agreed that freedom and predestination has to be present in Jesus' choice. When Jesus makes the choice to save us, which is necessary, we feel that sacrifice in a very impactful way. It is necessary that he had to make the choice. Using a biological theory to describe Jesus' character would however be, uncomfortable to me, even though from how we (excluding me :p) see how it can account for Jesus being fully human. However in fact, Jesus would know better what is fully human than us humans do, because He created us in the first place. Therefore, using a biology theory, created by humans, would not be apt nor sufficient to describe what Jesus was feeling then.
On the other hand, I would also feel that conviction when I know that Jesus would have died for me either way. Because He is also God, and He willed it to happen. When Jesus cried, 'My Father,'if this cup cannot pass by, but I must drink it, your will be done!' (Taken from the New Jerusalem version), the nuances I get from this sentence is that, Jesus does know that He will drink of the cup. It is out of fear, part of his human nature, that prompts him to pray this. But deep down, He would definitely save us. It is in murky ground and we probably can't guess his disposition at that time. Yet taking a human-formed theory to describe Jesus, not only insufficiently describes his fully human nature, it also neglects his divine nature.
Now about the session. I have experienced such a kind of prayer before and today Mel just showed me again how beautiful it is. We really try to understand where Jesus is coming from and empathize with them. Yet perhaps in a way, I am also unwilling to shed my image of Jesus - that He is more God than human. The way we characterize him in having so much emotions and feelings about the disciples may bring us closer to understand his fully human nature, but it may reduce the fully divine nature of His. In a nutshell, I was pretty uncomfortable because though Jesus is close, Jesus is my Lord and God. However, sensing how Jesus may feel and what sacrifice He has done, does help us to know Jesus more and more. But perhaps the challenge today is to also see Jesus as God.
There was this footnote in my bible that I would not forget about this passage. Moses was the one who brought the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai and Elijah was the one who prophesized on Horeb (Sinai too). Now they appeared with Jesus who was transfigured and then they disppeared, scholars see this as symbolic too, that now Jesus is the new Law and the Prophet. It is now the New Testament and how we are being recreated anew by Jesus' life and death and ressurection. So yes, I challenge you to see Jesus also as the master of our lives, our Lord and God.
mark
LoG prays at Gethsemane
Adapted: Mk 14: 26-42 (+Lk 22: 43-44)
Singing hymns, we climbed the Mount of Olives. My journey has begun.
And I turned to my disciples and said, “You will all become deserters for it is written ‘I will strike the shepherd and the sheep will be scattered.’”
Of course, I didn’t expect them to understand those words, for what was to come was truly unimaginable. Even for me. It seemed like such an easy thing to say. I think even I did not realize just how hard I would be struck – physically, mentally and spiritually. I was so uncertain that, for a moment, I forgot about the people – my people, God’s people – the reason I was doing all of these in the first place.
And as I recited the words of the prophets, I wondered to myself: would the message that I had fought to convey in the past three long years go to waste? Was I destined to be a failure? One who would be remembered for his disciples leaving him in the most critical hour?
Just as the first vestiges of doubt and fear crept into my mind, a Voice reassured me. It was the same Voice that proclaimed my belovedness at my baptism; the same Voice that affirmed me at my Transfiguration. It was this Voice – the voice of the Father who was Love, that gave me the conviction to say to my beloved flock, “But after I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.”
I already knew every word that Peter would say in response. Yet, it wasn’t any less easy hearing his words – the confidence in his voice, his tone bordering on pride – “Even though all will become deserters, I will not.” His words were like small cuts on the surface of my heart.
But I knew also that this man would be the one that I would count on. And he was still human, after all. I forgave him for his words in the quietness of my heart. In an instant, I swung from hurt to forgiveness. I knew everything I had to say, but I loved him. And it was not easy saying these words in reply – “Truly I tell you, this day, this very night, before the cock crows twice, you will deny me three times.”
Peter, it hurts me so much to say that you will deny me three times before the cock crows twice. When I first called you, you put down everything and followed me. You were with me when I performed miracles. And I even gave you the key to my church. Yet I know that everything you believe in, you will deny; you are not yet ready to pick up the cross and follow me.
But that’s ok. I will not deny anyone. I will take up my cross as a perfect example for you and all others to follow. And by my death, you would have the courage to die in the face of anyone else who denies me.
Almost instantly, Peter’s eyes widened and he ardently expressed his disagreement. Vehemently, he said, “Even though I must die, I will not deny you.”
A hint of desperation escaped Peter’s proclamation. But I knew. My eyes shakily slipped past his. It has been a long journey and the hurt has been building up. How does it feel to know that your best friend will betray you even when it has not happened? Is such clairvoyance a blessing or a burden that I have to tend to tirelessly?
At that juncture, my other disciples echoed Peter’s sentiments, like dogs barking fervently after their master who tells them that he has to go. But I knew. And it is because that I knew that it hurt even more. But I love them all the same. They were earnest men. However, even the mightiest rock will undergo and weather the strongest of storms.
I paused. I must trust in my Father’s plan. I stepped past each of them, tears welling up in my eyes. I could only pray silently, alone as I was in the crowd. The blaring moonlight silently lit up the path ahead of me. It was time to go.
We went to the place called Gethsemane – a wonderful garden, but it’s beauty brought no comfort to my fears. I then said to my disciples, “Sit here while I pray.”
And I was overcome with sorrow. For even these friends of mine that I’ve been given could not partake in the same cup. This I must do alone.
I called just Peter, James and John to come away as I needed to let out this uneasy feeling in me. My heart racing, my mouth dry, I needed to share. I started to feel the nervousness – the same choking feeling I get when I’m vulnerable.
Loneliness. Fear. Sorrow. Death was just upon me, hours away.
For the first time, I was flooded with all the emotions of man. In this very moment, I was both truly God and Man.
Comfort. Assurance. Strength.
“My disciples,” I said to the three of them, “oh how my soul struggles even to death. Remain here and keep awake.”
I left them to be by myself for a while. I may be in good health, but the pain within my heart is so cancerous that every step I take is unbearable. Finally, I threw myself to the ground but the physical pain I feel is dull, incomparable, to what is within. I tried to pray but there are no words that can describe the anguish that I feel inside. I thought I had fallen far enough to reach rock bottom, but now I realize that the rock bottom is bottomless. I begged that if it was possible, this cross would end tonight and I would wake up and never have to feel this pain ever again.
In my desperation and fear, I could only cry to my Father for his help. There was no way that I could go through all that was ahead by myself. And given a choice, I would ask my Father to pick another. Why me? I felt helpless and so alone as I knew that no man could ever understand what I will have to go through.
My last attempt was thus to surrender and believe that His plan for me, though painful, was perfect in every way. And I cried, “Abba, Father, for you all things are possible. Remove this cup from me, yet, let it be by Your will and not mine.”
I want to surrender. Surrender to my desire to run away, to escape from the will of God, to protect myself. It’s such a tempting option, to run away; it’s so much easier. Father, it’s so much easier. I really want to give up…
But suddenly, a voice whispers in my ear, “Be strong, my child.”
I knew what was to come; I knew what I had to do. The magnitude and magnanimity of the task that my Father had entrusted me with shook me to the very core of my being. But in my pain, I turned back to Him, for the strength that only He could empower me with. As I prayed in the garden, with sweat dripping down the side of my face, it was as if my humanness was protesting against His will.
Going to my disciples, I found them in a deep sleep. I rebuked Peter, “Simon, why are you asleep? Here am I about to die on the cross for my people, which include you. I find the man chosen to follow me asleep right in front of me. Can you not keep your eyes open for just one hour?”
I thought to myself how futile it was to say this now to them. But as I looked to the future, I could see how it would come to their aid and comfort when the world overwhelms them. I pray that after each fall, they will pick themselves up and remember their desires for good. That is why I implore them to pray, and I will come to their aid as will the angels descend upon me to support me in this time of darkness. I know that they want to keep in company with me, but the day has taken its toll on them, as it has on me. Only the fear and the pain of what is to come keeps me awake. They cannot know what is going to happen. Though I want them to be by my side, my love for them does not bind them to any selfish desire to force them to do my will.
Leaving them, I returned to my own space of anguish and solitude. The loneliness I felt was overwhelming. Every single part of my body and soul was begging me to resist, to escape from my impending doom.
I cried out in desperation – to Papa, to Abba, to Father – for some repose, but the silence was fulfilling. It had to be done.
Back to my disciples I went, and there they were sleeping as I had expected. They awoke when they heard me. And they stood, speechless, seemingly confounded by their own human weakness.
They still do not understand. In this time of fear and struggle, I need their support and their prayers. But they do not understand what is to come. This cup is only for me to drink and only I will drink of this cup. Where I am about to go, they cannot follow. Alas, my hour has come!
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where every part of your body screams “no”, but your hands and feet and mouth simply disobey you? They go against your thoughts, and act with a life of their own. Perhaps during a 42km run, when you are nearing the finish line? Or maybe when you rush forward to protect a loved one from immediate danger?
In biology, it is known as a fight or flight response. When adrenaline rises to great levels in the body, when a person has to choose to either stick it out and fight or to run as far away as he can, as fast as he can. He has to choose – to fight, or to take flight. And that is the beauty of free will. I am able to choose.
Everything in my body tells me to run away right now. Danger is approaching. Leave before it is too late.
The soldiers enter through the gates.
Just lift my legs, go to my disciples, and they will make sure we get out safe, that we get out alive.
But strength from the angel surfaced, and I found myself leading us straight into the hands of the soldiers instead. “Get up, let us be going. See, my betrayer is at hand.”
Saturday, March 19, 2011
give us pure heart
Friday's gospel passage is just sometimes for, a dilemma. But on further reflection tonight in prayer, I reach a conclusion.
Jesus warns against anger and how it may lead us to sin when it festers in us long enough. He also warns us about judgement which, according to the Good News Ministries, arises from anger. The later part of the Gospel preaches that we should leave our gifts at the altar, reconcile with our brother and sister first, then return to offer our gifts.
Because I should not judge someone of not reconcilling before he or she presents his or her gift to the altar, it creates a situation where in both scenarios - getting angry and casting judgement - is very much a personal responsibility to avoid. No one is in a position to challenge you without passing a judgement, unless it is very much needed. Nevertheless, one would not like it when being judged this way. Even as I write this, I may be targeting this message to people I think should hear this, and in so doing casting that judgement. O Lord, you indeed make it difficult.
Just a last thought. The Gospel states "if your brother has anything against you, ..." Therefore, even if it was not I who caused the problem or still nursing the grudge, it still falls on my responsibility to reconcile with my brother or sister. In other words, we cannot be in communion with God and with the Body of Christ if we are not in communion with a fellow brother or sister, regardless of whether you or he or she was at fault. We always pray for the Lord's understanding of our human weakness, but we should never take it for granted.
mark
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Create in me a clean heart
i am spamming lol
PSALMS 51
[For the choirmaster Of David When the prophet Nathan had come to him because he had gone to Bathsheba]
Have mercy on me, O God, in your faithful love, in your great tenderness wipe away my offences;
wash me clean from my guilt, purify me from my sin.
For I am well aware of my offences, my sin is constantly in mind.
Against you, you alone, I have sinned, I have done what you see to be wrong, that you may show your saving justice when you pass sentence, and your victory may appear when you give judgement, remember, I was born guilty, a sinner from the moment of conception.
But you delight in sincerity of heart, and in secret you teach me wisdom.
Purify me with hyssop till I am clean, wash me till I am whiter than snow.
Let me hear the sound of joy and gladness, and the bones you have crushed will dance.
Turn away your face from my sins, and wipe away all my guilt.
God, create in me a clean heart, renew within me a resolute spirit, do not thrust me away from your presence, do not take away from me your spirit of holiness. Give me back the joy of your salvation, sustain in me a generous spirit. I shall teach the wicked your paths, and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodshed, God, God of my salvation, and my tongue will acclaim your saving justice.
Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will speak out your praise.
Sacrifice gives you no pleasure, burnt offering you do not desire. Sacrifice to God is a broken spirit, a broken, contrite heart you never scorn. In your graciousness do good to Zion, rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
Then you will delight in upright sacrifices,-burnt offerings and whole oblations -- and young bulls will be offered on your altar.
This psalm has been read at mass so many times over the past week and has constantly been on my mind and heart. I did something tonight I am not proud of, that I fell to the sin of pride, and failed in one of my penance this Lent. Yet the Lord had something beautiful arranged for me in my failure - a deeper understanding with a fellow friend and a stronger bond of friendship. Lord, I praise You for you know me best. Just when I type the previous note of knocking on your note in despair and frustration, how ironic that now i know what it feels like to forgive myself and knock on that door, after I fail in my penance. Truly, the Lord's mercy is abounding and everlasting. The same song that had been stuck in my head after Swee mentioned in the my note about worship songs. That note was a result of pride and a fall to sin too, the temptation to prove others wrong was so much of my own need to be the victor. I am ashamed at the ease of the Devil in tempting me to join his ranks, especially in this time of walking in the desert for 40 days. I have a long way to go to Calvary..
Chris Tomlin - Give us Clean Hands
We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols
So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob
mark
Knock, and open the door!
I write this note, to calm myself down, and just, as Rice reminded me - to ask myself What Would Jesus Do?
Today's gospel states the perhaps commonly misunderstood passage of "Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you." Then it goes on to say, would a father give the son bread when he asked for stone, and so on and so forth. Often taken, or at least by me, to be a vote of confidence that God will grant me whatever I pray for, or at least whatever I need.
Yet today in Good News Ministries, I am enlightened that actually, we constantly knock on the door and still think that the door will be opened for us. We fail to realise though, that the door is already open and God is inviting us in. The reason why we fail to realise, or to refrain from walking in, is because there are parts of us we have yet to forgive. Perhaps we feel unworthy of going into God's house, being in communion with God. God is offering something beyond the door that we need to accept, and not something that we knocked (asked) for.
GNM recommends that we take a list of things that we have yet to forgive ourselves of, and nail it to the door. Then we knock and the door will be opened for (by) us!
I pray that I forgive myself for the shortcomings I have committed and prepare myself to embrace this communion with God!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Jesus is our sign
reposted here for those fasting from facebook =D
I always look up to the crucifix at mass. Part of the reason why I feel I concentrate better on weekday masses when I sit in the centre pews as compared to Sunday masses where we are at the side. It just reminds me, or according to today's gospel, becomes a sign for our repentance. Ben Zheng told me before that it helps him to concentrate, because "hey, that man died for me!" Jonah was a sign for the evil generation in Nineveh, Jesus was a sign for us.
So as we fast and do penance this lentern season, let us look to this sign that God gave us! Not look anywhere else but to the crucifix. Not just his death, but his resurrection. For 40 days he endured trials and temptations, let us follow Him in this journey - to die and to rise again.
This is the first of my daily bible reflections, taken as a positive penance this Lent. Do follow me and spread the Word of God! Check out Mass Movement as well - we're going to Risen Christ tmr!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Hello everyone,
I came home from Bible Sharing today with lots of news about the Japan Earthquake & Tsunami, and I just feel terribly sad. Like really, just, terribly terribly sad. And in situations like these, I really don't know how to feel, or specifically, what to say to God.
I hope all of us can keep these people in our prayers.
Rice.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
eh i started writing this aft readg e chapt on being 'alive with prophetic pain' in e rolheiser book. lol i nv got ard to completing it. i figured it's a lent-ish post cos its abt struggling w god and all so i'd just write it later. just so happens tt small tsui's comment on my blogpost today inspired me to complete this so it's nice timing haha
Alive with Prophetic Pain (adapted from Forgotten among the Lilies)
Therefore also the Wisdom of God said, "I will send them prophets and apostles, so that this generation may be charged with the blood of all the prophets shed since the foundation of the world, from the blood of Abel to the blood of Zechariah, who perished between the altar and the sanctuary." - Lk 11: 49-51
As Catholics, one of the experiences that we are most willing to share about is our experience of the Eucharist. We associate this most intimate communion with a deep sense of peace and reverence. Most affirming of all, we associate it with a tangible experience of a divine mystery. It's a cornerstone of our faith that we hold dear.
But there is another kind of experience that many of us have gone through amidst the presence of the altar and the sanctuary - a deep sense of pain and loss. Precisely because we experience God so tangibly in front of the Eucharist, that is exactly where we go to take our broken hearts and broken dreams. We come before our God, trying to find comfort and peace.
But more often than not, we are bitter and angry instead at having to go through such pain. The closer we are to God, the more we rely on Him, the harder the fall hurts and the more intense our struggles. We believe all too often that because we have offered ourselves to God, we deserve, at least, God's peace. So when the hammerstroke falls and we are thrown into the deep end, we feel betrayed. Because God is love. And this in no way at all, no matter how much our head seeks to convince our heart otherwise, feels like love. So we come kneeling before the altar and the sanctuary, silently ranting and raving. If those around us only knew the kind of turbulence that rages beneath the calm surface, they would leave us alone at the pew.
Too rarely do we talk about this other kind of Eucharistic experience. Too rarely do we speak aloud the words of anguish that churn amidst our terrifying inner chaos - "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" Why, Lord? Why are things happening this way? Why are you doing this to me? Why have you forsaken me?
We are ashamed of our doubts and our struggles, especially so when it is right in front of the tangible presence of God that we experience them so acutely. We believe that there is something wrong in mourning when we are at a celebration; not just an ordinary celebration but the celebration of the Lamb's Supper. And there is some wisdom in not pulling long faces when we struggle and when we fast. But this misguides us from recognizing what our struggles before the Eucharist are - a blessing.
Already, just from the parallel with Christ's words, we see the first aspect of this blessing. To feel as Christ did, to suffer as Christ did - in what more intense way can we model Christ as to bear the cross as he did? But there is more than just shared words and feelings. The Eucharistic rite re-enacts the passion and the death of our Lord - bread that is broken for all. Is it not clear that those who die a little in the presence of the Eucharist are the ones who are the Christ-figures?
After all, it is those whom we love that we feel the most hurt from. If we can angry with God, if we can be bitter at what He's doing to us, if we can rant and rave at Him... does it not suggest that we love Him?
The point of this post is not to share what to do when we struggle. There is vast literature on that already. Neither is it to encourage us to wallow in self-pity or indulge in our weaknesses. Nor is it to encourage us to seek trouble with God. We'll get exactly what we wish for~. Instead, I hope to do two things: first, to remind us to listen to people having these struggles; second, to encourage these people to share your struggles with us. Because these people are the prophets of our time. We'd do well to listen to what they have to say.
mel
Friday, March 04, 2011
Hey guys, you know talking to sherman and all. He told me about the situation of OWL and the struggles they have. So I asked him, what about the retreat. He told me, it lasted about 2 weeks, then everything went back to normal...
Wow.
2 stinking weeks.
For that effort put it. For the tears shed, and feet washed. Wow... It kinda makes me sad. makes me ask myself, have they met this God that changed my life? Sigh. You know, when I jokingly//seriously tell people they should join LoG, its because I believe that they are "more likely" to find community and to love God in log. Bit arrogant, but in all honestly, I don't want blood to be shed on my hands that I didn't do anything.
Which prompts me to ask. Has God changed all of your lives? Am I missing anyone in my own community? Probably. So sorry. Argh... rant.
sorry. long bus rides make me think.
Swee
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
my life update
hey guys! haven't blogged here in awhile, and i got some stuff on my chest, best to get it off. I've been feeling off of sorts lately, for many different reasons. recently during sharing and outside there's always some talk of what we want to do in the future, as jobs or other interests/passions and it just led me to reflect about my current state/future. and it kind of depresses me, when i realize that i really, honestly don't know what i want to do in the future. i don't know what i want to major in and i don't know what sector i want to work for in the future, i've actually never worked a day in my life (very depressinggggg). and when i look at my uni life, apart from FIDES, i don't have any other commitments. this leads on to something that i struggle with quite bigly, that i don't really have any interests/passions that i'm really committed to. there are many small things that i know i do, but i just find myself quite. directionless without interests and passions. i think i've been shopping around, and i thought drama was one. i went to audition for a play, but didn't get in, and then felt kinda :( so yah. it feels like having nothing concrete in my life that tides me through to the future.
apart from that, i guess i do feel kinda lonely. before everybody shoots me, i admit that i do spend a lot of time with rachel, and i know this much is true. i guess the loneliness stems from you guys being in NUS mostly and doing your things there. (okay, i know raphael is in smu too but still!) and in SMU i haven't really found like. a constant source. FIDES is there but apart from the things we do for FIDES, everybody else has their own thing and own friends in school but i dont really feel i do. you know, like a core group of friends. so my net result is just feeling not quite there yet amongst everything. so i guess i fall back on who is close to me when i feel like that.
so yeah, those're my thoughts and feelings for now. maybe they're all in my head? i guess i'll keep searching and keep trying, and God will have a plan for me somewhere right :)
here are my thoughts on finding a life-partner
many of us feel the need to be love in an intimate relationship. this in a sense approaches the promises of heaven.
an obsession of it Can easily skew our priorities by a little too much. Sins of sexual nature tend to warp our perception of realities. it is normal for each of us to be attracted to more than one, but what decides a person is the one we should be really with?
why monogamy? we must realised that due to our finite nature, we cannot maintain 2 or more relationships without being able to maintain both. also, emotionally and mentally, we will be biased to one of the persons.
Although physical attraction is necessary in an intimate relationship, it is something that wears after some time. we are especially rendered down by this since we are so used to experiencing new stuff by the media and at an age where we are growing, our minds change very quickly. there has to be a spiritual connection some how.
How does it feel to be rejected? And how does it feel to break up? It is painful and sometimes it drives us to change ourselves and our sense of reality. Change may be good, but will it make you better? letting go is not the same squashing it into a corner of our hearts.
trust is an important thing in a relationship. you have to trust that he/she loves you even in the presence of others. trying to manipulate someone to do what you want only leaves the person bitter and like sand in your hands the harder you hold it the faster it leaks out.
Loving someone may very well mean that you have to be happy for someone so dear to your heart. and also willing to love someone you have no certainty over how the relationship will develop into.
Like the woman from the well we are thirsty. let God feel our need to be loved and to love.
signed out
2 Comments:
guys! sign off with your name! :\
my bet is tangtang!
By 
T.SwEE,
March 30, 2011 4:55 PM
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
All who are weary and burdened go encounter God,
for what is more refreshing and comforting than hte face of our Lord?
We take up our cross therafter, weighed down less with it,
after exchanging out tinted lenses with clarity.
0 Comments:
______________________________________________Tuesday, March 22, 2011
God's mercy, fill us from within!
The main theme I got from today's Gospel and Father Bosco's homily at mass is about judgement. But it led to many more questions and reflections.
Luke 6: 36-38 'Be compassionate just as your Father is compassionate. Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and there will be gifts for you: a full measure, pressed down, shaken together, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap; because the standard you use will be the standard used for you.'
I first realised that the reason why sometimes I am so hard on myself is because I judge people and I understand that I need to measure myself by the standard in which I judge people. But then this question comes to me, if it about holiness and our Christian way of life, shouldn't I be striving for greater holiness? All of us are called to holiness, we should set a high standard for ourselves and hence, be challenging others to do so. Guess the answer I got was the different between challenging and judging. One should not take the "holier than thou" attitude when challenging, but coming from true concern and love for the brother or sister. Nevertheless, it is a result of pride that I deem myself to be more holy, and thus the need for me to challenge or judge. Its a confusing puzzle, a circular one in that.
This brings to mind an article by Father Ronald Rolheiser that Melmel showed me. It talks about trusting in God's mercy. Not to appear condescending, he explains why we need to understand the person's situation and trust that God's mercy and grace will flow through. It isn't always through us and through our challenges that the person will change but it is through God. Having said that, it would still be our responsibility to direct him or her to God. So we gotta see it from a larger perspective - that we all are given God's mercy and grace. We need to be as compassionate as He is, as loving as He is and as forgiving as He is. We must strive for holiness and closeness towards God but that doesn't give us the authority to judge. It however, prompts us to challenge and to love like He did.
Lord, in this time of ministry, I implore your guidance as I wade through this murky ground of challenging and judging. Let not the Devil tempt me. But I pray for Your Grace to fill me. Amen.
mark
0 Comments:
______________________________________________Even when the darkness deepens around me like a heavy cloak, i know you have been with me.
Should i take any step, i know you carry me.
You embrace me in your arms; i throw myself into me.
My cries reach you and you are moved to my aid with the deepest sympathy.
O Lord, you will lead me out of this wretched enthralling doom.
Keep us all O Lord, that we may enter your peace.
1 Comments:
lol ehhhh who wrote this!
______________________________________________Sunday, March 20, 2011
Fully Human, Fully Divine
The session today by Mel was really interesting. It offered not only his spirituality, but the understanding of many others.
Before I go deeper into my reflection for today and about the session, i will apologize for the big hoo-ha I threw up over what von said for the passage and also clarify my discomfort with it. I talked to Andrew about it and he hit the nail on its head. We both agreed that freedom and predestination has to be present in Jesus' choice. When Jesus makes the choice to save us, which is necessary, we feel that sacrifice in a very impactful way. It is necessary that he had to make the choice. Using a biological theory to describe Jesus' character would however be, uncomfortable to me, even though from how we (excluding me :p) see how it can account for Jesus being fully human. However in fact, Jesus would know better what is fully human than us humans do, because He created us in the first place. Therefore, using a biology theory, created by humans, would not be apt nor sufficient to describe what Jesus was feeling then.
On the other hand, I would also feel that conviction when I know that Jesus would have died for me either way. Because He is also God, and He willed it to happen. When Jesus cried, 'My Father,'if this cup cannot pass by, but I must drink it, your will be done!' (Taken from the New Jerusalem version), the nuances I get from this sentence is that, Jesus does know that He will drink of the cup. It is out of fear, part of his human nature, that prompts him to pray this. But deep down, He would definitely save us. It is in murky ground and we probably can't guess his disposition at that time. Yet taking a human-formed theory to describe Jesus, not only insufficiently describes his fully human nature, it also neglects his divine nature.
Now about the session. I have experienced such a kind of prayer before and today Mel just showed me again how beautiful it is. We really try to understand where Jesus is coming from and empathize with them. Yet perhaps in a way, I am also unwilling to shed my image of Jesus - that He is more God than human. The way we characterize him in having so much emotions and feelings about the disciples may bring us closer to understand his fully human nature, but it may reduce the fully divine nature of His. In a nutshell, I was pretty uncomfortable because though Jesus is close, Jesus is my Lord and God. However, sensing how Jesus may feel and what sacrifice He has done, does help us to know Jesus more and more. But perhaps the challenge today is to also see Jesus as God.
There was this footnote in my bible that I would not forget about this passage. Moses was the one who brought the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai and Elijah was the one who prophesized on Horeb (Sinai too). Now they appeared with Jesus who was transfigured and then they disppeared, scholars see this as symbolic too, that now Jesus is the new Law and the Prophet. It is now the New Testament and how we are being recreated anew by Jesus' life and death and ressurection. So yes, I challenge you to see Jesus also as the master of our lives, our Lord and God.
mark
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______________________________________________LoG prays at Gethsemane
Adapted: Mk 14: 26-42 (+Lk 22: 43-44)
Singing hymns, we climbed the Mount of Olives. My journey has begun.
And I turned to my disciples and said, “You will all become deserters for it is written ‘I will strike the shepherd and the sheep will be scattered.’”
Of course, I didn’t expect them to understand those words, for what was to come was truly unimaginable. Even for me. It seemed like such an easy thing to say. I think even I did not realize just how hard I would be struck – physically, mentally and spiritually. I was so uncertain that, for a moment, I forgot about the people – my people, God’s people – the reason I was doing all of these in the first place.
And as I recited the words of the prophets, I wondered to myself: would the message that I had fought to convey in the past three long years go to waste? Was I destined to be a failure? One who would be remembered for his disciples leaving him in the most critical hour?
Just as the first vestiges of doubt and fear crept into my mind, a Voice reassured me. It was the same Voice that proclaimed my belovedness at my baptism; the same Voice that affirmed me at my Transfiguration. It was this Voice – the voice of the Father who was Love, that gave me the conviction to say to my beloved flock, “But after I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.”
I already knew every word that Peter would say in response. Yet, it wasn’t any less easy hearing his words – the confidence in his voice, his tone bordering on pride – “Even though all will become deserters, I will not.” His words were like small cuts on the surface of my heart.
But I knew also that this man would be the one that I would count on. And he was still human, after all. I forgave him for his words in the quietness of my heart. In an instant, I swung from hurt to forgiveness. I knew everything I had to say, but I loved him. And it was not easy saying these words in reply – “Truly I tell you, this day, this very night, before the cock crows twice, you will deny me three times.”
Peter, it hurts me so much to say that you will deny me three times before the cock crows twice. When I first called you, you put down everything and followed me. You were with me when I performed miracles. And I even gave you the key to my church. Yet I know that everything you believe in, you will deny; you are not yet ready to pick up the cross and follow me.
But that’s ok. I will not deny anyone. I will take up my cross as a perfect example for you and all others to follow. And by my death, you would have the courage to die in the face of anyone else who denies me.
Almost instantly, Peter’s eyes widened and he ardently expressed his disagreement. Vehemently, he said, “Even though I must die, I will not deny you.”
A hint of desperation escaped Peter’s proclamation. But I knew. My eyes shakily slipped past his. It has been a long journey and the hurt has been building up. How does it feel to know that your best friend will betray you even when it has not happened? Is such clairvoyance a blessing or a burden that I have to tend to tirelessly?
At that juncture, my other disciples echoed Peter’s sentiments, like dogs barking fervently after their master who tells them that he has to go. But I knew. And it is because that I knew that it hurt even more. But I love them all the same. They were earnest men. However, even the mightiest rock will undergo and weather the strongest of storms.
I paused. I must trust in my Father’s plan. I stepped past each of them, tears welling up in my eyes. I could only pray silently, alone as I was in the crowd. The blaring moonlight silently lit up the path ahead of me. It was time to go.
We went to the place called Gethsemane – a wonderful garden, but it’s beauty brought no comfort to my fears. I then said to my disciples, “Sit here while I pray.”
And I was overcome with sorrow. For even these friends of mine that I’ve been given could not partake in the same cup. This I must do alone.
I called just Peter, James and John to come away as I needed to let out this uneasy feeling in me. My heart racing, my mouth dry, I needed to share. I started to feel the nervousness – the same choking feeling I get when I’m vulnerable.
Loneliness. Fear. Sorrow. Death was just upon me, hours away.
For the first time, I was flooded with all the emotions of man. In this very moment, I was both truly God and Man.
Comfort. Assurance. Strength.
“My disciples,” I said to the three of them, “oh how my soul struggles even to death. Remain here and keep awake.”
I left them to be by myself for a while. I may be in good health, but the pain within my heart is so cancerous that every step I take is unbearable. Finally, I threw myself to the ground but the physical pain I feel is dull, incomparable, to what is within. I tried to pray but there are no words that can describe the anguish that I feel inside. I thought I had fallen far enough to reach rock bottom, but now I realize that the rock bottom is bottomless. I begged that if it was possible, this cross would end tonight and I would wake up and never have to feel this pain ever again.
In my desperation and fear, I could only cry to my Father for his help. There was no way that I could go through all that was ahead by myself. And given a choice, I would ask my Father to pick another. Why me? I felt helpless and so alone as I knew that no man could ever understand what I will have to go through.
My last attempt was thus to surrender and believe that His plan for me, though painful, was perfect in every way. And I cried, “Abba, Father, for you all things are possible. Remove this cup from me, yet, let it be by Your will and not mine.”
I want to surrender. Surrender to my desire to run away, to escape from the will of God, to protect myself. It’s such a tempting option, to run away; it’s so much easier. Father, it’s so much easier. I really want to give up…
But suddenly, a voice whispers in my ear, “Be strong, my child.”
I knew what was to come; I knew what I had to do. The magnitude and magnanimity of the task that my Father had entrusted me with shook me to the very core of my being. But in my pain, I turned back to Him, for the strength that only He could empower me with. As I prayed in the garden, with sweat dripping down the side of my face, it was as if my humanness was protesting against His will.
Going to my disciples, I found them in a deep sleep. I rebuked Peter, “Simon, why are you asleep? Here am I about to die on the cross for my people, which include you. I find the man chosen to follow me asleep right in front of me. Can you not keep your eyes open for just one hour?”
I thought to myself how futile it was to say this now to them. But as I looked to the future, I could see how it would come to their aid and comfort when the world overwhelms them. I pray that after each fall, they will pick themselves up and remember their desires for good. That is why I implore them to pray, and I will come to their aid as will the angels descend upon me to support me in this time of darkness. I know that they want to keep in company with me, but the day has taken its toll on them, as it has on me. Only the fear and the pain of what is to come keeps me awake. They cannot know what is going to happen. Though I want them to be by my side, my love for them does not bind them to any selfish desire to force them to do my will.
Leaving them, I returned to my own space of anguish and solitude. The loneliness I felt was overwhelming. Every single part of my body and soul was begging me to resist, to escape from my impending doom.
I cried out in desperation – to Papa, to Abba, to Father – for some repose, but the silence was fulfilling. It had to be done.
Back to my disciples I went, and there they were sleeping as I had expected. They awoke when they heard me. And they stood, speechless, seemingly confounded by their own human weakness.
They still do not understand. In this time of fear and struggle, I need their support and their prayers. But they do not understand what is to come. This cup is only for me to drink and only I will drink of this cup. Where I am about to go, they cannot follow. Alas, my hour has come!
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where every part of your body screams “no”, but your hands and feet and mouth simply disobey you? They go against your thoughts, and act with a life of their own. Perhaps during a 42km run, when you are nearing the finish line? Or maybe when you rush forward to protect a loved one from immediate danger?
In biology, it is known as a fight or flight response. When adrenaline rises to great levels in the body, when a person has to choose to either stick it out and fight or to run as far away as he can, as fast as he can. He has to choose – to fight, or to take flight. And that is the beauty of free will. I am able to choose.
Everything in my body tells me to run away right now. Danger is approaching. Leave before it is too late.
The soldiers enter through the gates.
Just lift my legs, go to my disciples, and they will make sure we get out safe, that we get out alive.
But strength from the angel surfaced, and I found myself leading us straight into the hands of the soldiers instead. “Get up, let us be going. See, my betrayer is at hand.”
1 Comments:
bahhh i can't get e paragraphs to go right cos u can't press in blogger. even pressing a few times doesn't work! ok but if anyone wants e original just ask me i can send out e email. i'll do a fb note also.
mel
By LoG,
March 21, 2011 10:44 AM
Saturday, March 19, 2011
give us pure heart
Friday's gospel passage is just sometimes for, a dilemma. But on further reflection tonight in prayer, I reach a conclusion.
Jesus warns against anger and how it may lead us to sin when it festers in us long enough. He also warns us about judgement which, according to the Good News Ministries, arises from anger. The later part of the Gospel preaches that we should leave our gifts at the altar, reconcile with our brother and sister first, then return to offer our gifts.
Because I should not judge someone of not reconcilling before he or she presents his or her gift to the altar, it creates a situation where in both scenarios - getting angry and casting judgement - is very much a personal responsibility to avoid. No one is in a position to challenge you without passing a judgement, unless it is very much needed. Nevertheless, one would not like it when being judged this way. Even as I write this, I may be targeting this message to people I think should hear this, and in so doing casting that judgement. O Lord, you indeed make it difficult.
Just a last thought. The Gospel states "if your brother has anything against you, ..." Therefore, even if it was not I who caused the problem or still nursing the grudge, it still falls on my responsibility to reconcile with my brother or sister. In other words, we cannot be in communion with God and with the Body of Christ if we are not in communion with a fellow brother or sister, regardless of whether you or he or she was at fault. We always pray for the Lord's understanding of our human weakness, but we should never take it for granted.
mark
0 Comments:
______________________________________________Thursday, March 17, 2011
Create in me a clean heart
i am spamming lol
PSALMS 51
[For the choirmaster Of David When the prophet Nathan had come to him because he had gone to Bathsheba]
Have mercy on me, O God, in your faithful love, in your great tenderness wipe away my offences;
wash me clean from my guilt, purify me from my sin.
For I am well aware of my offences, my sin is constantly in mind.
Against you, you alone, I have sinned, I have done what you see to be wrong, that you may show your saving justice when you pass sentence, and your victory may appear when you give judgement, remember, I was born guilty, a sinner from the moment of conception.
But you delight in sincerity of heart, and in secret you teach me wisdom.
Purify me with hyssop till I am clean, wash me till I am whiter than snow.
Let me hear the sound of joy and gladness, and the bones you have crushed will dance.
Turn away your face from my sins, and wipe away all my guilt.
God, create in me a clean heart, renew within me a resolute spirit, do not thrust me away from your presence, do not take away from me your spirit of holiness. Give me back the joy of your salvation, sustain in me a generous spirit. I shall teach the wicked your paths, and sinners will return to you.
Deliver me from bloodshed, God, God of my salvation, and my tongue will acclaim your saving justice.
Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will speak out your praise.
Sacrifice gives you no pleasure, burnt offering you do not desire. Sacrifice to God is a broken spirit, a broken, contrite heart you never scorn. In your graciousness do good to Zion, rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
Then you will delight in upright sacrifices,-burnt offerings and whole oblations -- and young bulls will be offered on your altar.
This psalm has been read at mass so many times over the past week and has constantly been on my mind and heart. I did something tonight I am not proud of, that I fell to the sin of pride, and failed in one of my penance this Lent. Yet the Lord had something beautiful arranged for me in my failure - a deeper understanding with a fellow friend and a stronger bond of friendship. Lord, I praise You for you know me best. Just when I type the previous note of knocking on your note in despair and frustration, how ironic that now i know what it feels like to forgive myself and knock on that door, after I fail in my penance. Truly, the Lord's mercy is abounding and everlasting. The same song that had been stuck in my head after Swee mentioned in the my note about worship songs. That note was a result of pride and a fall to sin too, the temptation to prove others wrong was so much of my own need to be the victor. I am ashamed at the ease of the Devil in tempting me to join his ranks, especially in this time of walking in the desert for 40 days. I have a long way to go to Calvary..
Chris Tomlin - Give us Clean Hands
We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols
So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh God let this be
a generation that seeks
that seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob
mark
0 Comments:
______________________________________________Knock, and open the door!
I write this note, to calm myself down, and just, as Rice reminded me - to ask myself What Would Jesus Do?
Today's gospel states the perhaps commonly misunderstood passage of "Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you." Then it goes on to say, would a father give the son bread when he asked for stone, and so on and so forth. Often taken, or at least by me, to be a vote of confidence that God will grant me whatever I pray for, or at least whatever I need.
Yet today in Good News Ministries, I am enlightened that actually, we constantly knock on the door and still think that the door will be opened for us. We fail to realise though, that the door is already open and God is inviting us in. The reason why we fail to realise, or to refrain from walking in, is because there are parts of us we have yet to forgive. Perhaps we feel unworthy of going into God's house, being in communion with God. God is offering something beyond the door that we need to accept, and not something that we knocked (asked) for.
GNM recommends that we take a list of things that we have yet to forgive ourselves of, and nail it to the door. Then we knock and the door will be opened for (by) us!
I pray that I forgive myself for the shortcomings I have committed and prepare myself to embrace this communion with God!
0 Comments:
______________________________________________Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Jesus is our sign
reposted here for those fasting from facebook =D
I always look up to the crucifix at mass. Part of the reason why I feel I concentrate better on weekday masses when I sit in the centre pews as compared to Sunday masses where we are at the side. It just reminds me, or according to today's gospel, becomes a sign for our repentance. Ben Zheng told me before that it helps him to concentrate, because "hey, that man died for me!" Jonah was a sign for the evil generation in Nineveh, Jesus was a sign for us.
So as we fast and do penance this lentern season, let us look to this sign that God gave us! Not look anywhere else but to the crucifix. Not just his death, but his resurrection. For 40 days he endured trials and temptations, let us follow Him in this journey - to die and to rise again.
This is the first of my daily bible reflections, taken as a positive penance this Lent. Do follow me and spread the Word of God! Check out Mass Movement as well - we're going to Risen Christ tmr!
1 Comments:
thx =)
______________________________________________Friday, March 11, 2011
Hello everyone,
I came home from Bible Sharing today with lots of news about the Japan Earthquake & Tsunami, and I just feel terribly sad. Like really, just, terribly terribly sad. And in situations like these, I really don't know how to feel, or specifically, what to say to God.
I hope all of us can keep these people in our prayers.
Rice.
0 Comments:
______________________________________________Thursday, March 10, 2011
eh i started writing this aft readg e chapt on being 'alive with prophetic pain' in e rolheiser book. lol i nv got ard to completing it. i figured it's a lent-ish post cos its abt struggling w god and all so i'd just write it later. just so happens tt small tsui's comment on my blogpost today inspired me to complete this so it's nice timing haha
Alive with Prophetic Pain (adapted from Forgotten among the Lilies)
Therefore also the Wisdom of God said, "I will send them prophets and apostles, so that this generation may be charged with the blood of all the prophets shed since the foundation of the world, from the blood of Abel to the blood of Zechariah, who perished between the altar and the sanctuary." - Lk 11: 49-51
As Catholics, one of the experiences that we are most willing to share about is our experience of the Eucharist. We associate this most intimate communion with a deep sense of peace and reverence. Most affirming of all, we associate it with a tangible experience of a divine mystery. It's a cornerstone of our faith that we hold dear.
But there is another kind of experience that many of us have gone through amidst the presence of the altar and the sanctuary - a deep sense of pain and loss. Precisely because we experience God so tangibly in front of the Eucharist, that is exactly where we go to take our broken hearts and broken dreams. We come before our God, trying to find comfort and peace.
But more often than not, we are bitter and angry instead at having to go through such pain. The closer we are to God, the more we rely on Him, the harder the fall hurts and the more intense our struggles. We believe all too often that because we have offered ourselves to God, we deserve, at least, God's peace. So when the hammerstroke falls and we are thrown into the deep end, we feel betrayed. Because God is love. And this in no way at all, no matter how much our head seeks to convince our heart otherwise, feels like love. So we come kneeling before the altar and the sanctuary, silently ranting and raving. If those around us only knew the kind of turbulence that rages beneath the calm surface, they would leave us alone at the pew.
Too rarely do we talk about this other kind of Eucharistic experience. Too rarely do we speak aloud the words of anguish that churn amidst our terrifying inner chaos - "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" Why, Lord? Why are things happening this way? Why are you doing this to me? Why have you forsaken me?
We are ashamed of our doubts and our struggles, especially so when it is right in front of the tangible presence of God that we experience them so acutely. We believe that there is something wrong in mourning when we are at a celebration; not just an ordinary celebration but the celebration of the Lamb's Supper. And there is some wisdom in not pulling long faces when we struggle and when we fast. But this misguides us from recognizing what our struggles before the Eucharist are - a blessing.
Already, just from the parallel with Christ's words, we see the first aspect of this blessing. To feel as Christ did, to suffer as Christ did - in what more intense way can we model Christ as to bear the cross as he did? But there is more than just shared words and feelings. The Eucharistic rite re-enacts the passion and the death of our Lord - bread that is broken for all. Is it not clear that those who die a little in the presence of the Eucharist are the ones who are the Christ-figures?
After all, it is those whom we love that we feel the most hurt from. If we can angry with God, if we can be bitter at what He's doing to us, if we can rant and rave at Him... does it not suggest that we love Him?
The point of this post is not to share what to do when we struggle. There is vast literature on that already. Neither is it to encourage us to wallow in self-pity or indulge in our weaknesses. Nor is it to encourage us to seek trouble with God. We'll get exactly what we wish for~. Instead, I hope to do two things: first, to remind us to listen to people having these struggles; second, to encourage these people to share your struggles with us. Because these people are the prophets of our time. We'd do well to listen to what they have to say.
mel
0 Comments:
______________________________________________Friday, March 04, 2011
Hey guys, you know talking to sherman and all. He told me about the situation of OWL and the struggles they have. So I asked him, what about the retreat. He told me, it lasted about 2 weeks, then everything went back to normal...
Wow.
2 stinking weeks.
For that effort put it. For the tears shed, and feet washed. Wow... It kinda makes me sad. makes me ask myself, have they met this God that changed my life? Sigh. You know, when I jokingly//seriously tell people they should join LoG, its because I believe that they are "more likely" to find community and to love God in log. Bit arrogant, but in all honestly, I don't want blood to be shed on my hands that I didn't do anything.
Which prompts me to ask. Has God changed all of your lives? Am I missing anyone in my own community? Probably. So sorry. Argh... rant.
sorry. long bus rides make me think.
Swee
0 Comments:
______________________________________________Tuesday, March 01, 2011
my life update
hey guys! haven't blogged here in awhile, and i got some stuff on my chest, best to get it off. I've been feeling off of sorts lately, for many different reasons. recently during sharing and outside there's always some talk of what we want to do in the future, as jobs or other interests/passions and it just led me to reflect about my current state/future. and it kind of depresses me, when i realize that i really, honestly don't know what i want to do in the future. i don't know what i want to major in and i don't know what sector i want to work for in the future, i've actually never worked a day in my life (very depressinggggg). and when i look at my uni life, apart from FIDES, i don't have any other commitments. this leads on to something that i struggle with quite bigly, that i don't really have any interests/passions that i'm really committed to. there are many small things that i know i do, but i just find myself quite. directionless without interests and passions. i think i've been shopping around, and i thought drama was one. i went to audition for a play, but didn't get in, and then felt kinda :( so yah. it feels like having nothing concrete in my life that tides me through to the future.
apart from that, i guess i do feel kinda lonely. before everybody shoots me, i admit that i do spend a lot of time with rachel, and i know this much is true. i guess the loneliness stems from you guys being in NUS mostly and doing your things there. (okay, i know raphael is in smu too but still!) and in SMU i haven't really found like. a constant source. FIDES is there but apart from the things we do for FIDES, everybody else has their own thing and own friends in school but i dont really feel i do. you know, like a core group of friends. so my net result is just feeling not quite there yet amongst everything. so i guess i fall back on who is close to me when i feel like that.
so yeah, those're my thoughts and feelings for now. maybe they're all in my head? i guess i'll keep searching and keep trying, and God will have a plan for me somewhere right :)