Thursday, February 16, 2006
hello...ok i shall share my experiences over these two days.
well. yesterday. i made an extremely hurried decision at like what. 7.15 - 7.17am in the morning before i went to school. hwa chong institution. and after that i couldn't stop thinking about it. what it would be like...WHY on earth did i do that. and whether i should change my mind before application closed. but OKAY. the MAIN reason that's pushing me to not change my mind and to choose hwa chong was because...ok weighing the pros and cons seriously did not work. both had like just as many good points and bad points and my mind was split in two and so was my heart. i was in a mess and i was dying trying to come to a conclusion. i was praying so hard...asking God to send me a sign...an answer...ANYTHING..i was desperate really.
so early next morning..i woke up and i remember the thought of choosing schools came into my mind...and i could feel this dread filling me...because i was like hoping for like some DREAM or ANYTHING! to help me decide..but nothing. then i don't know why but this sudden thought came into my mind it was like HWA CHONG. and after that and like now when i think about it i don't know where it came from seriously. so...i don't know if it was from God but i hope so.
and also like that day...my friend said if you're meant to go to hwa chong..it'll rain..and i remember saying...we shouldn't put GOd to the test because i've been doing that SO OFTEN recently..and i realised that it's wrong. but anyhow. IT RAINED. and i don't know why but to me..that was like a sign like GOd was telling me isn't this obvious enough and also like how could you doubt me.
well, it could just be my mind playing tricks on me but that's how i viewed everything.
so that's why. that's why. hwa chong.and i'm not proud of it. really i'm not.
ok. so i was feeling pretty like messed up inside when i came back from school. because it was a pretty depressing day with my whole class disintegrating before my eyes..and this classmate of mine had to go to RJ because of parents...and i could see how upset she was. and i could see how sweet my classmates were as in like they were so supportive and they're such a fun bunch la really they are. so YEAH. it was pretty depressing.
so yes. ok i was actually thinking of going to sleep immediately when i came home. but i like felt like going online. so i went online. i talked to that rj classmate of mine and i thought it was pretty amazing. i mean because i once heard that someone tried to bring her to church before but in the end she didn't. so i wasn't sure if she would be comfortable talking about God and stuff...but i just tried my luck..i was like if God wanted me to go to VJ i'll be in VJ. and she said...yes He will take care of us. and like it's all in God's hands. and i was really happy to hear all that. as in it's like both consolation and awe inside of me. and i was really happy after that because i had a conversation about church and stuff like that and i thought i was really cool and uplifting. and i felt really happy after that. (: praise God!
so yes. ok then
TODAY.
i was alright in school. actually i was really happy. i mean it was SO FUN. we had our normal fun in the treehouse and our like people would come and talk to me once in awhile..like why are you going? and i can feel my heartstrings being tugged at. they were really sweet.and i had a great day la i really did.
of course in such situations the better the day...the worse i'll feel. because i will miss a lot of them LOADS. like A LOT A LOT A LOT A LOT A LOT. and so yea when i went to church i was actually alright. then i don't know why but i came out from the ado room feeling a bit pissed. as in irritable. when i was inside i was alright. but when i came out i was like that. and during mass too. and then when i saw jes and saw that she was in the same situation too. i kinda couldn't take it...i felt like crying. it's like i'm so sick of all these decision making all these thinking and brain wrecking just to make a stupid tiny decision. and i was frustrated and confused la.
but on my bus ride home. i was like practically dying with all the confusion in my mind...but i thought. if this is GOd wants for me...i shouldn't even be considering all these human attachments that i want to hold on to..or all these considerations of the human brain...it's all so pointless. and i decided if this is what God has led me to...i really should just let it be. because that was what i really wanted to do. just to do what God wants for me. and i guess i've found peace. peace in my decision because this is what God wanted for me and it's all that matters.
on the train home i was thinking about how a few days ago. just a mere few days ago. i was like so super happy with my results right..and yes i'm still happy but of course the exhiliration has worn off...but yes..then i was thinking how that happy person could be sitting there..feeling so confused and lost and what happened? i mean something that was meant to bring me happiness eventually led me to confusion and frustration...and i realised. that what we want for ourselves really isn't the best for us. i mean it's one thing to know that His thoughts are not our thoughts..but it's another to realise based on personal experience..because perhaps if i had gotten like a less good score i would be breezing through my decisions...BUT. i really do praise GOd for my results and also all these trials that He brings..because they REALLY only make me stronger.
SO YES. my decisions my multiple multiple confusions have brought me closer to God. and i think my trust and faith was really tested. i mean. the only way to get on with life is to just leave it in His hands. and just BELIEVE. because i truly believe this is what He led me to.
SO close i believe
you're holding me now
in your hands i belong
you'll never let me go
(: praise God.
clarice
hello...ok i shall share my experiences over these two days.
well. yesterday. i made an extremely hurried decision at like what. 7.15 - 7.17am in the morning before i went to school. hwa chong institution. and after that i couldn't stop thinking about it. what it would be like...WHY on earth did i do that. and whether i should change my mind before application closed. but OKAY. the MAIN reason that's pushing me to not change my mind and to choose hwa chong was because...ok weighing the pros and cons seriously did not work. both had like just as many good points and bad points and my mind was split in two and so was my heart. i was in a mess and i was dying trying to come to a conclusion. i was praying so hard...asking God to send me a sign...an answer...ANYTHING..i was desperate really.
so early next morning..i woke up and i remember the thought of choosing schools came into my mind...and i could feel this dread filling me...because i was like hoping for like some DREAM or ANYTHING! to help me decide..but nothing. then i don't know why but this sudden thought came into my mind it was like HWA CHONG. and after that and like now when i think about it i don't know where it came from seriously. so...i don't know if it was from God but i hope so.
and also like that day...my friend said if you're meant to go to hwa chong..it'll rain..and i remember saying...we shouldn't put GOd to the test because i've been doing that SO OFTEN recently..and i realised that it's wrong. but anyhow. IT RAINED. and i don't know why but to me..that was like a sign like GOd was telling me isn't this obvious enough and also like how could you doubt me.
well, it could just be my mind playing tricks on me but that's how i viewed everything.
so that's why. that's why. hwa chong.and i'm not proud of it. really i'm not.
ok. so i was feeling pretty like messed up inside when i came back from school. because it was a pretty depressing day with my whole class disintegrating before my eyes..and this classmate of mine had to go to RJ because of parents...and i could see how upset she was. and i could see how sweet my classmates were as in like they were so supportive and they're such a fun bunch la really they are. so YEAH. it was pretty depressing.
so yes. ok i was actually thinking of going to sleep immediately when i came home. but i like felt like going online. so i went online. i talked to that rj classmate of mine and i thought it was pretty amazing. i mean because i once heard that someone tried to bring her to church before but in the end she didn't. so i wasn't sure if she would be comfortable talking about God and stuff...but i just tried my luck..i was like if God wanted me to go to VJ i'll be in VJ. and she said...yes He will take care of us. and like it's all in God's hands. and i was really happy to hear all that. as in it's like both consolation and awe inside of me. and i was really happy after that because i had a conversation about church and stuff like that and i thought i was really cool and uplifting. and i felt really happy after that. (: praise God!
so yes. ok then
TODAY.
i was alright in school. actually i was really happy. i mean it was SO FUN. we had our normal fun in the treehouse and our like people would come and talk to me once in awhile..like why are you going? and i can feel my heartstrings being tugged at. they were really sweet.and i had a great day la i really did.
of course in such situations the better the day...the worse i'll feel. because i will miss a lot of them LOADS. like A LOT A LOT A LOT A LOT A LOT. and so yea when i went to church i was actually alright. then i don't know why but i came out from the ado room feeling a bit pissed. as in irritable. when i was inside i was alright. but when i came out i was like that. and during mass too. and then when i saw jes and saw that she was in the same situation too. i kinda couldn't take it...i felt like crying. it's like i'm so sick of all these decision making all these thinking and brain wrecking just to make a stupid tiny decision. and i was frustrated and confused la.
but on my bus ride home. i was like practically dying with all the confusion in my mind...but i thought. if this is GOd wants for me...i shouldn't even be considering all these human attachments that i want to hold on to..or all these considerations of the human brain...it's all so pointless. and i decided if this is what God has led me to...i really should just let it be. because that was what i really wanted to do. just to do what God wants for me. and i guess i've found peace. peace in my decision because this is what God wanted for me and it's all that matters.
on the train home i was thinking about how a few days ago. just a mere few days ago. i was like so super happy with my results right..and yes i'm still happy but of course the exhiliration has worn off...but yes..then i was thinking how that happy person could be sitting there..feeling so confused and lost and what happened? i mean something that was meant to bring me happiness eventually led me to confusion and frustration...and i realised. that what we want for ourselves really isn't the best for us. i mean it's one thing to know that His thoughts are not our thoughts..but it's another to realise based on personal experience..because perhaps if i had gotten like a less good score i would be breezing through my decisions...BUT. i really do praise GOd for my results and also all these trials that He brings..because they REALLY only make me stronger.
SO YES. my decisions my multiple multiple confusions have brought me closer to God. and i think my trust and faith was really tested. i mean. the only way to get on with life is to just leave it in His hands. and just BELIEVE. because i truly believe this is what He led me to.
SO close i believe
you're holding me now
in your hands i belong
you'll never let me go
(: praise God.
clarice