Sunday, February 26, 2006
Lousy Week
Firstly, thanks Anne and Denise for the session today. Revitalised me and also made me come and blog here tonight. Thanks joan for putting the transparencys lol. Ok I deleted my blog already. It has been a shitty week because of many things that happened. First is something very personal that has been affecting me since before Chinese New Year. I decided I needed to post it here so everyone will be wary of what could happen and not end up like me. Basically I can say I was very close to this.. girl in class from the start of lessons. Around a month it went and feelings developed, but unfortunately, on my side only. Perhaps I got the wrong idea or stuff but I did not intend to say anything. I ended up being forced out of me by her questions and things turned sour. We agreed to be good friends again but for me, it was just a matter of putting up an act in school. Around 3 weeks have past and I am totally tired of it. Given up hope of anything that could happen. Move on, but nothing will ever be the same again. Both of us will be good frens again, but not after months of healing of wounds. I realised a lot of things in this short 2 months in jc, and it totally engulfs me and leaves me in disbelief of my life. There were much more happenings in between that made things really worse. And school is a torture for me now.
Second was how i was so disappointed because softball deprived me of anything else I want to do. Dance, street dance, floorball, society and clubs. Something I could not do. A dilema I was in because softball was something I played for 4 years and I still have that passion for the sport. Although not a lot of passion but yea, it was still there. My good friends who sweat and toil with me were still there. I wasn't going to leave the cca. Only things were it was time consuming and if I could not break into the team this year, I'll be wasting my time training for more than a year to play 5 matches which is the season. Totally sucks really. But i just gotta accept it.
Third to cap it off. Had drama feste on friday night. My house won best play and many other awards, was really happy and was with friends eating supper. Then my sis in a sleepy voice called me. My sis and grandma sleep in the same room so I know it was my grandma who got her to call me. Then a while later my mum called me. Nag nag, and I really lost it. I just went YA LA OK OK. Then BYE. The point being I really don't like it when parents nag although right after that I feel guilty about it. But this wasn't the first time I stayed out so late and I always make it back home safely. They have to worry so much. I know its parents and they worry and blah even my grandma too. But it gets on my nerves, I felt that it was more of trust and confidence that was seriously lacking. I got home and immediately my grandma got out of her room. I couldn't control it anymore. I just said go and sleep! She kept asking me bout stuff then i screamed, "I am 17 already, im not that stupid as to not being able to reach home after 12!" It sucks, she could still laugh. I just didn't want her to lose her sleep over such stupid things. She told me she couldn't sleep from 11 onwards and I reached home at 1230. I have a feeling the next time that happens, I'm gonna blow my top off.
So that night I sat down in front of my com, talked to my other classmate in class who was good frens with the girl I liked. She told me plainly, to give up, no chance anymore. I know it already anyway but I cried real hard that night, all 3 things combined and I really felt God has abandoned me. I felt life was so so unfair to me. I hated myself for who i am. I hated the little confidence my family shows to me. I hated life.
Then saturday at St Anne's, before and after cathecism class which i was helping out, i went to ado room there and prayed. Filled with inner peace but without answer. Came to mass and was really really touched by the lost sheep parable and the mention of agape love. And then it was the session. Thanks a lot a lot Anne, you brought me back really. I was on the verge of really abandoning myself already. I was the lost sheep and thank God for bringing me back. Praise the Lord!
mark
Lousy Week
Firstly, thanks Anne and Denise for the session today. Revitalised me and also made me come and blog here tonight. Thanks joan for putting the transparencys lol. Ok I deleted my blog already. It has been a shitty week because of many things that happened. First is something very personal that has been affecting me since before Chinese New Year. I decided I needed to post it here so everyone will be wary of what could happen and not end up like me. Basically I can say I was very close to this.. girl in class from the start of lessons. Around a month it went and feelings developed, but unfortunately, on my side only. Perhaps I got the wrong idea or stuff but I did not intend to say anything. I ended up being forced out of me by her questions and things turned sour. We agreed to be good friends again but for me, it was just a matter of putting up an act in school. Around 3 weeks have past and I am totally tired of it. Given up hope of anything that could happen. Move on, but nothing will ever be the same again. Both of us will be good frens again, but not after months of healing of wounds. I realised a lot of things in this short 2 months in jc, and it totally engulfs me and leaves me in disbelief of my life. There were much more happenings in between that made things really worse. And school is a torture for me now.
Second was how i was so disappointed because softball deprived me of anything else I want to do. Dance, street dance, floorball, society and clubs. Something I could not do. A dilema I was in because softball was something I played for 4 years and I still have that passion for the sport. Although not a lot of passion but yea, it was still there. My good friends who sweat and toil with me were still there. I wasn't going to leave the cca. Only things were it was time consuming and if I could not break into the team this year, I'll be wasting my time training for more than a year to play 5 matches which is the season. Totally sucks really. But i just gotta accept it.
Third to cap it off. Had drama feste on friday night. My house won best play and many other awards, was really happy and was with friends eating supper. Then my sis in a sleepy voice called me. My sis and grandma sleep in the same room so I know it was my grandma who got her to call me. Then a while later my mum called me. Nag nag, and I really lost it. I just went YA LA OK OK. Then BYE. The point being I really don't like it when parents nag although right after that I feel guilty about it. But this wasn't the first time I stayed out so late and I always make it back home safely. They have to worry so much. I know its parents and they worry and blah even my grandma too. But it gets on my nerves, I felt that it was more of trust and confidence that was seriously lacking. I got home and immediately my grandma got out of her room. I couldn't control it anymore. I just said go and sleep! She kept asking me bout stuff then i screamed, "I am 17 already, im not that stupid as to not being able to reach home after 12!" It sucks, she could still laugh. I just didn't want her to lose her sleep over such stupid things. She told me she couldn't sleep from 11 onwards and I reached home at 1230. I have a feeling the next time that happens, I'm gonna blow my top off.
So that night I sat down in front of my com, talked to my other classmate in class who was good frens with the girl I liked. She told me plainly, to give up, no chance anymore. I know it already anyway but I cried real hard that night, all 3 things combined and I really felt God has abandoned me. I felt life was so so unfair to me. I hated myself for who i am. I hated the little confidence my family shows to me. I hated life.
Then saturday at St Anne's, before and after cathecism class which i was helping out, i went to ado room there and prayed. Filled with inner peace but without answer. Came to mass and was really really touched by the lost sheep parable and the mention of agape love. And then it was the session. Thanks a lot a lot Anne, you brought me back really. I was on the verge of really abandoning myself already. I was the lost sheep and thank God for bringing me back. Praise the Lord!
mark