Thursday, March 02, 2006
dear everybody.
hope all of you are doing fine right now. well, if you're not dont worry you're not alone. uh..well i want to share about my ash wednesday because it started off my lent with such a bang. painfully loud bang.
i was supposed to play the piano for lent mass..well actually i help to play the piano for all the morning masses and stuff but somehow i never felt like i was doing the right thing. its not like how i play the piano in sjc's masses or even in log sessions where i sincerly feel like i play because i want to play for God. but in cjc i dont even know what i am doing because i keep getting so intimidated by everyone who attends the masses.
well the thing is, wednesday was a day off for the j1s because of the alvl results release. and when i found out abt it i thought about withdrawing from playing for morning mass because i was seriously shacked both physically and emo and i really wanted a day to sleep in. and then i realised that waking up even though i literally couldnt stand anymore and just going to school for mass could be my first sort of penance for lent, after all i would want to go mass just for God.
and really..when i woke up yesterday morning at 5 i felt sick like sick as in really fed up with things sick. God is amazing though. He managed to pull me all the way to cjc even though i thought of faking sick and not going for mass. so first of all, i was tired beyond any possible extend cos i dont remember having a proper sleep since the olvl results. next, i was suddenly intimidated by the number of j2s and musicallyinclinedandknowlegable teachers around and third i just didnt feel like playing for mass. naturally i was quite messed. i completly forgot that ash wednesday's mass had a second reading and i started playing the acclaimation right after the responsarial psalm. the chords came out weird for no reason and stuff like that. i didnt mess up the mass..there wasnt any major screwups in the songs but it was enough to make me miserably aware that i just wasnt in the right state of mind.
and to add to the joy, one of my teachers came up to me after mass and commented on how badly i played for mass and was like, how come you didnt follow the beats and made everyone confused on when to come in at the chorus and stuff like that. i guess this really made me realise that sometime we say things that can cut someone really deep without ourselves realising it. i got so fed up with my teacher i just walked right out of the prayer room. and really now i wonder how i am going to face my teacher now.
one of the reasons why i switched ministries at after the 2nd core team elections away from music was because i knew that i wasnt playing those songs for God. and over the months last year to now i finally slowly got to learn to let Him take control of what talents He gave me and use them to glorify Him alone.
golly. those months of learning to play the keyboard for the right reason was a cross in itself. and when i finally learnt to use it well i get shot down so hard.
i havent actually had time to think about what happened yesterday. and now that i am able to reflect on what happened i realised that partly because of what happened at cjc's mass made me not go for mass later on at sfx. whatever it was, that was just the first day of lent and i have 39 more days to go. im not being pessimistic..i dont know why i said that even.
well i take it as what i would be facing this lent. despite all the crosses that have already come without waiting for me to be prepared for them, im feeling great in a rather strange way. its just a feeling that even though things arent going perfectly, i've got the support of my community and God there for me all the way through.
and that's probably the best feeling ive had in ages.
have a blessed lent, ppl.
anne.
dear everybody.
hope all of you are doing fine right now. well, if you're not dont worry you're not alone. uh..well i want to share about my ash wednesday because it started off my lent with such a bang. painfully loud bang.
i was supposed to play the piano for lent mass..well actually i help to play the piano for all the morning masses and stuff but somehow i never felt like i was doing the right thing. its not like how i play the piano in sjc's masses or even in log sessions where i sincerly feel like i play because i want to play for God. but in cjc i dont even know what i am doing because i keep getting so intimidated by everyone who attends the masses.
well the thing is, wednesday was a day off for the j1s because of the alvl results release. and when i found out abt it i thought about withdrawing from playing for morning mass because i was seriously shacked both physically and emo and i really wanted a day to sleep in. and then i realised that waking up even though i literally couldnt stand anymore and just going to school for mass could be my first sort of penance for lent, after all i would want to go mass just for God.
and really..when i woke up yesterday morning at 5 i felt sick like sick as in really fed up with things sick. God is amazing though. He managed to pull me all the way to cjc even though i thought of faking sick and not going for mass. so first of all, i was tired beyond any possible extend cos i dont remember having a proper sleep since the olvl results. next, i was suddenly intimidated by the number of j2s and musicallyinclinedandknowlegable teachers around and third i just didnt feel like playing for mass. naturally i was quite messed. i completly forgot that ash wednesday's mass had a second reading and i started playing the acclaimation right after the responsarial psalm. the chords came out weird for no reason and stuff like that. i didnt mess up the mass..there wasnt any major screwups in the songs but it was enough to make me miserably aware that i just wasnt in the right state of mind.
and to add to the joy, one of my teachers came up to me after mass and commented on how badly i played for mass and was like, how come you didnt follow the beats and made everyone confused on when to come in at the chorus and stuff like that. i guess this really made me realise that sometime we say things that can cut someone really deep without ourselves realising it. i got so fed up with my teacher i just walked right out of the prayer room. and really now i wonder how i am going to face my teacher now.
one of the reasons why i switched ministries at after the 2nd core team elections away from music was because i knew that i wasnt playing those songs for God. and over the months last year to now i finally slowly got to learn to let Him take control of what talents He gave me and use them to glorify Him alone.
golly. those months of learning to play the keyboard for the right reason was a cross in itself. and when i finally learnt to use it well i get shot down so hard.
i havent actually had time to think about what happened yesterday. and now that i am able to reflect on what happened i realised that partly because of what happened at cjc's mass made me not go for mass later on at sfx. whatever it was, that was just the first day of lent and i have 39 more days to go. im not being pessimistic..i dont know why i said that even.
well i take it as what i would be facing this lent. despite all the crosses that have already come without waiting for me to be prepared for them, im feeling great in a rather strange way. its just a feeling that even though things arent going perfectly, i've got the support of my community and God there for me all the way through.
and that's probably the best feeling ive had in ages.
have a blessed lent, ppl.
anne.