Tuesday, March 07, 2006
hallo everybody..ive actually been intending to blog the past few days but i dont know..something kept stopping me. i guess it was just because i was beyond frustrated with the way crosses were just piling up on me for the past 3 weeks that i didnt feel like talking my problems out were going to help because all i needed was a miracle which didnt seem to come.
i wouldnt want to say what ive been so down about here on this blog, but what added on to the hell ive been going through was my cj life. i didnt enjoy my first day of orientation2 one bit because i was so anxious about whether my class would get back together, and while that might not sound like such a big deal even when i reread it, somehow it just pulled me down even more because i was afraid i got sent to a class which i completly hated because more than anything i just wanted my PAE class back.
and to add on, i pretty much screwed up the whole rehearsal for my band in our final rockafella rehearsal yesterday. i messed up my synthesist solo for the first song and the screamo part for the greenday song so bad the facils watching didnt laugh at me only for the reason that they felt too embarrased for me. and right after the rehearsal i went straight up to my band and told them i wanted to back out of my solo. quite obviously, they didnt let me. and we had a good, ungodly 2 hours straightening things out among our band. and at that moment i realised i had 2 choices..to stay doing my screaming, well humiliate myself infront of a good 800 crowd and save my band or do otherwise. that's why i said ungodly. i was practically dumbstruck at how superficial i was acting yesterday. i mean, all my life ive laughed at how stupid and immature those kids were on tv for trying so hard be popular and not get ousted but yesterday i guess everything fell right back to me.
so naturally i could well say that yesterday was the best day of my last 3 weeks of hell. to the point that i was even quite annoyed at how so many others had such a fun time yesterday at orientation and i didnt because i didnt allow myself to.
and today things just got worse. suddenly i just felt so out of all the orientations and stuff..it was something ive never felt in cj before but at that moment i felt like i just wasnt meant to stick around and play all the TBGs with fake enthusiasm and stuff. so i just faked a sprained ankle to my facil and sat at the grand stand stoning while everyone else had fun. and some 5 seconds later i found myself sneaking off and running away from the TBG area. i knew id get into serious trouble for running off..but at that point i just didnt care anymore. i didnt know where i was running to but i just wanted to get away and i just felt someone pulling me over to the prayer room.
i really didnt want anyone finding me so i locked the room and just stayed there in darkness before the cross. and i was going to rant. i just felt all the hell ive gone through for the past 3 weeks rise up in my and i was going to practically scream everything ive been feeling out when something within me stopped me and said 'go tell your Mother.'
ive turned to the rosary all my life but ever since this year & worse off, i joined legion of Mary and i dont even say my catena regularly and stopped the rosary. and i realised what ive missed this year. and in the prayer room i just felt Her with me. and the emergency novena which ive kept always with me but never said, i just did. over and over for God knows how long i was in there. and at the end of it all i cannot describe to you all in words how i felt this weight just lift off me and the inner peace which id been begging for since He gave me that cross.
i believed miracles would come and they did. for some strange reason the TBG got jetdragged and they didnt even notice that i was gone. and when i got back to my IG, i never had such a more energetic and enthusiastic mass dance with the friends i never bothered to get to know. and after school i went for the final rehearsal for rockafella with my band and praise God and i mean it, one of my band member volunteered to take over my part of the song. and somehow everything just fell into place for my band in that last runthrough. all the flabaggasting gossips trash bitching and frustrations that came up just died off when we played. and things just felt right.
and as for that problem that's still with me since 3 weeks ago, for the first time i really feel like my prayer actually reached God. and that's really an amazing feeling. never mind how much longer i'd be carrying this cross..i actually now know for sure im not carrying this alone.
im blessed because She interceded for me. im blessed because He answered my prayers. im blessed because He gave my the wisdom to know that He will answer my unanswered prayers soon. im blessed because i have so many loggers in cjc with me. im blessed because i get to pray for my friends who want to get into cjc and i get to journey in their faith together because of this. im blessed because im suffering. all the more id know that that's a great thing because i love my God so much i am helping Him carrying part of the cross.
just an add on, the emergency novena is a prayer to Mary in times of desperate needs. say the memorare 9 times consecutively with faith.
stay strong this lent, ppl.
anne.
hallo everybody..ive actually been intending to blog the past few days but i dont know..something kept stopping me. i guess it was just because i was beyond frustrated with the way crosses were just piling up on me for the past 3 weeks that i didnt feel like talking my problems out were going to help because all i needed was a miracle which didnt seem to come.
i wouldnt want to say what ive been so down about here on this blog, but what added on to the hell ive been going through was my cj life. i didnt enjoy my first day of orientation2 one bit because i was so anxious about whether my class would get back together, and while that might not sound like such a big deal even when i reread it, somehow it just pulled me down even more because i was afraid i got sent to a class which i completly hated because more than anything i just wanted my PAE class back.
and to add on, i pretty much screwed up the whole rehearsal for my band in our final rockafella rehearsal yesterday. i messed up my synthesist solo for the first song and the screamo part for the greenday song so bad the facils watching didnt laugh at me only for the reason that they felt too embarrased for me. and right after the rehearsal i went straight up to my band and told them i wanted to back out of my solo. quite obviously, they didnt let me. and we had a good, ungodly 2 hours straightening things out among our band. and at that moment i realised i had 2 choices..to stay doing my screaming, well humiliate myself infront of a good 800 crowd and save my band or do otherwise. that's why i said ungodly. i was practically dumbstruck at how superficial i was acting yesterday. i mean, all my life ive laughed at how stupid and immature those kids were on tv for trying so hard be popular and not get ousted but yesterday i guess everything fell right back to me.
so naturally i could well say that yesterday was the best day of my last 3 weeks of hell. to the point that i was even quite annoyed at how so many others had such a fun time yesterday at orientation and i didnt because i didnt allow myself to.
and today things just got worse. suddenly i just felt so out of all the orientations and stuff..it was something ive never felt in cj before but at that moment i felt like i just wasnt meant to stick around and play all the TBGs with fake enthusiasm and stuff. so i just faked a sprained ankle to my facil and sat at the grand stand stoning while everyone else had fun. and some 5 seconds later i found myself sneaking off and running away from the TBG area. i knew id get into serious trouble for running off..but at that point i just didnt care anymore. i didnt know where i was running to but i just wanted to get away and i just felt someone pulling me over to the prayer room.
i really didnt want anyone finding me so i locked the room and just stayed there in darkness before the cross. and i was going to rant. i just felt all the hell ive gone through for the past 3 weeks rise up in my and i was going to practically scream everything ive been feeling out when something within me stopped me and said 'go tell your Mother.'
ive turned to the rosary all my life but ever since this year & worse off, i joined legion of Mary and i dont even say my catena regularly and stopped the rosary. and i realised what ive missed this year. and in the prayer room i just felt Her with me. and the emergency novena which ive kept always with me but never said, i just did. over and over for God knows how long i was in there. and at the end of it all i cannot describe to you all in words how i felt this weight just lift off me and the inner peace which id been begging for since He gave me that cross.
i believed miracles would come and they did. for some strange reason the TBG got jetdragged and they didnt even notice that i was gone. and when i got back to my IG, i never had such a more energetic and enthusiastic mass dance with the friends i never bothered to get to know. and after school i went for the final rehearsal for rockafella with my band and praise God and i mean it, one of my band member volunteered to take over my part of the song. and somehow everything just fell into place for my band in that last runthrough. all the flabaggasting gossips trash bitching and frustrations that came up just died off when we played. and things just felt right.
and as for that problem that's still with me since 3 weeks ago, for the first time i really feel like my prayer actually reached God. and that's really an amazing feeling. never mind how much longer i'd be carrying this cross..i actually now know for sure im not carrying this alone.
im blessed because She interceded for me. im blessed because He answered my prayers. im blessed because He gave my the wisdom to know that He will answer my unanswered prayers soon. im blessed because i have so many loggers in cjc with me. im blessed because i get to pray for my friends who want to get into cjc and i get to journey in their faith together because of this. im blessed because im suffering. all the more id know that that's a great thing because i love my God so much i am helping Him carrying part of the cross.
just an add on, the emergency novena is a prayer to Mary in times of desperate needs. say the memorare 9 times consecutively with faith.
stay strong this lent, ppl.
anne.