Sunday, May 14, 2006
Today
Hello people. I haven blogged for a long long time. I deleted my own personal blog coz my friends at school were reading it and I just wanted that bit of privacy. But of course I will always share here. Today was some unglam day for me lol. I admit before mass I wasn't feeling very good already. I went to ado for a while and asked God for directions. I prayed for Him to help me decide whether I should continue with softball and or take up another CCA which is of my interests, as well as balancing all my commitments but yet putting Him as first priority. This became something I pray about every night. And mayb some of you know, I am not completely over the problems in school and its just haunting me night and day. Then ever since the time quite long ago where Poey shared that he foresee family problems and shared bout it, I became very concious bout spending more quality time with my family. I prayed for a solution. Because its really tough now with council work, match support almost every single day. My family sleeps at ten thirty latest so I actually just see them for an hour or so every day if i reach home at 9 plus. In the morning its just that half hour with my mum and sis before I go to school and resume my hectic lifestyle. I was feeling very upset in ado room about me not being able to attend weekday masses anymore. Even when I am free I really do not have the will to go down, excuse being too tired or too much work to do. But I find myself playing sometimes incessantly and whenever I pray before I sleep, I just rush it through because I am too sleepy already. I can play for hours but yet spend only 5 sleepy mins with God. I can't believe that I wrote God as my first most important person in my life. Feel so guilty. I prayed that I will return to God, be closer to him.
Mass was refreshing. Reminded me of what I prayed in ado room. Not just about obeying him that I didn't do, I didn't even have time to listen to his orders, how to obey? And only with listening to him, will I receive what I ask of Him. I just felt at that time that I am in no position to ask for anything actually, or even being frustrated in life. I lost him in this period of time when I became a councilor. Everything came back to me, whether I made the right decision, whether I should quit softball to free up time. To be truthful I really wanna join dance. :D lol but that aside there are a lot of decisions made but yet more to be made down this road. And truthfully I can't over that same girl I mentioned here a few months ago. Its May already, its taking really long and its like torture. A lot of thoughts were going through my mind, throat dry so i gave up singing lol. Afraid I zhao xia also.. heh. :p
Right after mass I went back into ado room to discern somemore, felt very troubled. But I was really happy to see everyone smiling in church. The community that is always there for me. Today i was supposed to bring a fren along but he suddenly want to do hw so didn't come. Slacker but I felt that I have the responsibility to bring him back to God. He's a catholic but only goes to church in Malaysia where his family is. But then I thought, how am i supposed to help others when I myself can't discern and can't obey? Its a conflict between my affection and God's will. I know everything bout God knowing the best for me, I just can't help myself at all. So okay, came session, first thing poey said bout writing 3 most important person on that piece of paper just shocked me. I never thought of it, I was just so tempted to write that girl's name cause its that real. But then i just dismissed it as something silly and of course God is there. Family was second. I wrote close frens which included a whole lot of people including LOG and my very good frens in school. Thanks poey and ricer, how apt to have a session on family on Mother's day. Then came the part where everyone shared bout wad their family means to them. Kris asked me several times whether I was ok. I was actually okay, just v stone coz i kept thinking bout everything thats happening in my life. Then came the part where everyone was laughing, I realised everyone can spend qutie a lot mroe time with their family compared to me. Otherwise there wouldn't be so much things to say bout what they do together. Then I though of what to say and I really couldn't say it. I would have said, family means seeing them for less than 15 hours in 5 days. How am I supposed to complete that sentence without bursting into tears? So in order to maintain glamness lol, i just kept quiet. Until Bel spoke and i saw her break down, every thing came back to me and I too collapsed and i just closed my eyes coz i know when i cry i look damn ugly lol. But nevertheless i tried to calm myself down. It was something i kept in my mind for ages but just didn't have the will to do it. Sharing came I just went to ado room to stone. Closed my eyes and almost fell asleep. Couldn't concentrate on talking to God, keep having random thoughts but I know I spent some part of it talking to Him. I could always feel this sense of calmness and comfort in the ado room. It just sinks into me and takes the sourness out of my mouth, the ache away from my heart. Tmr will be some mad day again. until late night rehearsal. Where's my life?
thanks log, thanks poey, thanks rice, thanks kris, thanks all who have been there and comforted me. :D
mark
Today
Hello people. I haven blogged for a long long time. I deleted my own personal blog coz my friends at school were reading it and I just wanted that bit of privacy. But of course I will always share here. Today was some unglam day for me lol. I admit before mass I wasn't feeling very good already. I went to ado for a while and asked God for directions. I prayed for Him to help me decide whether I should continue with softball and or take up another CCA which is of my interests, as well as balancing all my commitments but yet putting Him as first priority. This became something I pray about every night. And mayb some of you know, I am not completely over the problems in school and its just haunting me night and day. Then ever since the time quite long ago where Poey shared that he foresee family problems and shared bout it, I became very concious bout spending more quality time with my family. I prayed for a solution. Because its really tough now with council work, match support almost every single day. My family sleeps at ten thirty latest so I actually just see them for an hour or so every day if i reach home at 9 plus. In the morning its just that half hour with my mum and sis before I go to school and resume my hectic lifestyle. I was feeling very upset in ado room about me not being able to attend weekday masses anymore. Even when I am free I really do not have the will to go down, excuse being too tired or too much work to do. But I find myself playing sometimes incessantly and whenever I pray before I sleep, I just rush it through because I am too sleepy already. I can play for hours but yet spend only 5 sleepy mins with God. I can't believe that I wrote God as my first most important person in my life. Feel so guilty. I prayed that I will return to God, be closer to him.
Mass was refreshing. Reminded me of what I prayed in ado room. Not just about obeying him that I didn't do, I didn't even have time to listen to his orders, how to obey? And only with listening to him, will I receive what I ask of Him. I just felt at that time that I am in no position to ask for anything actually, or even being frustrated in life. I lost him in this period of time when I became a councilor. Everything came back to me, whether I made the right decision, whether I should quit softball to free up time. To be truthful I really wanna join dance. :D lol but that aside there are a lot of decisions made but yet more to be made down this road. And truthfully I can't over that same girl I mentioned here a few months ago. Its May already, its taking really long and its like torture. A lot of thoughts were going through my mind, throat dry so i gave up singing lol. Afraid I zhao xia also.. heh. :p
Right after mass I went back into ado room to discern somemore, felt very troubled. But I was really happy to see everyone smiling in church. The community that is always there for me. Today i was supposed to bring a fren along but he suddenly want to do hw so didn't come. Slacker but I felt that I have the responsibility to bring him back to God. He's a catholic but only goes to church in Malaysia where his family is. But then I thought, how am i supposed to help others when I myself can't discern and can't obey? Its a conflict between my affection and God's will. I know everything bout God knowing the best for me, I just can't help myself at all. So okay, came session, first thing poey said bout writing 3 most important person on that piece of paper just shocked me. I never thought of it, I was just so tempted to write that girl's name cause its that real. But then i just dismissed it as something silly and of course God is there. Family was second. I wrote close frens which included a whole lot of people including LOG and my very good frens in school. Thanks poey and ricer, how apt to have a session on family on Mother's day. Then came the part where everyone shared bout wad their family means to them. Kris asked me several times whether I was ok. I was actually okay, just v stone coz i kept thinking bout everything thats happening in my life. Then came the part where everyone was laughing, I realised everyone can spend qutie a lot mroe time with their family compared to me. Otherwise there wouldn't be so much things to say bout what they do together. Then I though of what to say and I really couldn't say it. I would have said, family means seeing them for less than 15 hours in 5 days. How am I supposed to complete that sentence without bursting into tears? So in order to maintain glamness lol, i just kept quiet. Until Bel spoke and i saw her break down, every thing came back to me and I too collapsed and i just closed my eyes coz i know when i cry i look damn ugly lol. But nevertheless i tried to calm myself down. It was something i kept in my mind for ages but just didn't have the will to do it. Sharing came I just went to ado room to stone. Closed my eyes and almost fell asleep. Couldn't concentrate on talking to God, keep having random thoughts but I know I spent some part of it talking to Him. I could always feel this sense of calmness and comfort in the ado room. It just sinks into me and takes the sourness out of my mouth, the ache away from my heart. Tmr will be some mad day again. until late night rehearsal. Where's my life?
thanks log, thanks poey, thanks rice, thanks kris, thanks all who have been there and comforted me. :D
mark