Monday, July 03, 2006
Feast day of Thomas
Hey LOG, I have something to share.
This period of time has been shitty for me. I've been on a roller coaster ride. You see things turned out even worse between me and my good fren in school, who's a girl. Ya and duh in all problems that happens, its because I liked her. She told me its possible and yet keeps mum bout everything. It kills me to think about it day and night. Then I got reminded of the SYDR rally where that coolio designer fella shared bout his experience. However, I only related to the part where he asked God, why must this happen to him since God is a God of love. I have never understood the later part bout God talking to him and saying God himself still loves him. You see, I was complaining, I was really losing it because God has promised me his plan. And I don't see where that plan is going. Isn't it damn screwed up? I do everything for him and yet he has to give me this kind of treatment? So I decided to go church to ask him why. I reached church at 530pm, yes 530 and spent an hour in the ado room. On the way there, I was already feeling like shit on the bus, I know there were tears fighting to come out. But right when I stepped into the ado room, there was this instant calmness that overwhelmed me and tears wouldn't come out. Suddenly I had the answers to my questions over that hour. I almost fell asleep at the corner because I decided to just stop thinking for a while and feel God's presence. Then nearer to mass I again prayed and talked to God. Once everyone left the room I just kneeled down and this time really asked God for help. This cross is really heavy.
Okay so went to mass and told poey I wanted to be alone, and lucky i did so. The opening hymn was something bout praise God, I realised once I stepped out of the adoration room, I was cynical bout it again. I couldn't bring myself to sing that song yet because of what I have been going through. Then the priest said, today is the feast day of Thomas. I was like, omg and pinched my nose. Isn't Thomas the one who did not believe? He only believed when he saw Jesus' wounds. I pinched my nose coz I didn't wanna cry in church. At that instant, I was like shit, God is reminding me of what I was doing. I feel so guilty. I did not believe in God's plan till I see the end of it or something good coming out of it. I was no different from thomas really. Suddenly the person I have looked down upon for years because of his faith, was the person I find myself similar with. How shameful really. I took quite long to get back to sing lord have mercy. Then the homily, reassured me that God has chosen different apostles to lead the church, Thomas was the down to earth one. God will not abandon me just because I took so long to believe in him. God will always be with me, even though every night i struggle to sleep. But at the end of the day, He'll give us the best we deserve.
Feast day of Thomas
Hey LOG, I have something to share.
This period of time has been shitty for me. I've been on a roller coaster ride. You see things turned out even worse between me and my good fren in school, who's a girl. Ya and duh in all problems that happens, its because I liked her. She told me its possible and yet keeps mum bout everything. It kills me to think about it day and night. Then I got reminded of the SYDR rally where that coolio designer fella shared bout his experience. However, I only related to the part where he asked God, why must this happen to him since God is a God of love. I have never understood the later part bout God talking to him and saying God himself still loves him. You see, I was complaining, I was really losing it because God has promised me his plan. And I don't see where that plan is going. Isn't it damn screwed up? I do everything for him and yet he has to give me this kind of treatment? So I decided to go church to ask him why. I reached church at 530pm, yes 530 and spent an hour in the ado room. On the way there, I was already feeling like shit on the bus, I know there were tears fighting to come out. But right when I stepped into the ado room, there was this instant calmness that overwhelmed me and tears wouldn't come out. Suddenly I had the answers to my questions over that hour. I almost fell asleep at the corner because I decided to just stop thinking for a while and feel God's presence. Then nearer to mass I again prayed and talked to God. Once everyone left the room I just kneeled down and this time really asked God for help. This cross is really heavy.
Okay so went to mass and told poey I wanted to be alone, and lucky i did so. The opening hymn was something bout praise God, I realised once I stepped out of the adoration room, I was cynical bout it again. I couldn't bring myself to sing that song yet because of what I have been going through. Then the priest said, today is the feast day of Thomas. I was like, omg and pinched my nose. Isn't Thomas the one who did not believe? He only believed when he saw Jesus' wounds. I pinched my nose coz I didn't wanna cry in church. At that instant, I was like shit, God is reminding me of what I was doing. I feel so guilty. I did not believe in God's plan till I see the end of it or something good coming out of it. I was no different from thomas really. Suddenly the person I have looked down upon for years because of his faith, was the person I find myself similar with. How shameful really. I took quite long to get back to sing lord have mercy. Then the homily, reassured me that God has chosen different apostles to lead the church, Thomas was the down to earth one. God will not abandon me just because I took so long to believe in him. God will always be with me, even though every night i struggle to sleep. But at the end of the day, He'll give us the best we deserve.