Sunday, September 24, 2006
Hi LOG
Firstly, thanks for the session! It got me thinking even more.
And today's mass was great. I was really struck by the second reading and here's wad i gotta share.
Its the same thing. like duh.
during recollection in the hols, i drew a time graph. Only 2 factors decided whether it was high or low. God and her.
SYDR made me high. She ignoring me made me low. Her birthday was the highest point, and after that it went straight down all the way. SJS made me go up a bit and back down again. So, who's in control of my life? Is it God? No.
These few days have been spent mugging and thinking. And suddenly i was so shocked that i found so many similarities between these 2 factors that controlled my life.
God loves me. I know it, we know it. But I know I haven't been returning his love or responding to it. Same thing for my case isn't it?
God died on the cross for me, and I only be reminded and be touched about it when its easter or christmas. I screwed up my studies, my council work, my life just because I was so mad over her, make her things and try to make her happy, wad do i get in return? "sorry"
God keeps wanting to talk to me and spend time with me. I only give him my sunday mornings and 5 minutes every night plus the few rushed seconds before meals. I get sian smses and just sometimes we can hold a good conversation and be happy.
God treats me as his child. I sin and hurt him. She's like my world and yet im kinda negligible. After everything, I am just a normal friend now.
God tries to help me in reshaping my life, I say no I can do it myself, you'll only make it worse. I try to help her with council work, or with summaries. All I get is a NO or a thank you without realising what I actually meant to do.
God has to share with me with the people that are more important in my life, like her. She also has her own friends and the buaya guys that never leave her side (okay now they do, one got attached =)). Difference is I get jealous, God does not.
God waits and waits, so do I. Eventually I will return to God but I won't know about her.
my point is. Whatever I felt shitty about, being played or just totally devestated by what had happen is probably experienced by God in many folds. Because I know, I talk to God about her, 80% of every prayer is about her ever since the start of the year. I asked for it without thinking how it will glorify God. So I keep on praying and praying and I turned my back on God, 3 times. yes 3 times. I questioned him, I lost my faith in him, I asked him why he went back on his promise to reward me. Yes I couldn't believe it, I asked for my reward from him when I know I shouldn't.
I didn't raise my hand when swee asked will you follow me? After that during the song, I just whispered to God. Lord I will take up my cross and follow you.
Still many questions unanswered but the most impt one has been answered. I know now Lord. Let things happen according to your will.
mark
Hi LOG
Firstly, thanks for the session! It got me thinking even more.
And today's mass was great. I was really struck by the second reading and here's wad i gotta share.
Its the same thing. like duh.
during recollection in the hols, i drew a time graph. Only 2 factors decided whether it was high or low. God and her.
SYDR made me high. She ignoring me made me low. Her birthday was the highest point, and after that it went straight down all the way. SJS made me go up a bit and back down again. So, who's in control of my life? Is it God? No.
These few days have been spent mugging and thinking. And suddenly i was so shocked that i found so many similarities between these 2 factors that controlled my life.
God loves me. I know it, we know it. But I know I haven't been returning his love or responding to it. Same thing for my case isn't it?
God died on the cross for me, and I only be reminded and be touched about it when its easter or christmas. I screwed up my studies, my council work, my life just because I was so mad over her, make her things and try to make her happy, wad do i get in return? "sorry"
God keeps wanting to talk to me and spend time with me. I only give him my sunday mornings and 5 minutes every night plus the few rushed seconds before meals. I get sian smses and just sometimes we can hold a good conversation and be happy.
God treats me as his child. I sin and hurt him. She's like my world and yet im kinda negligible. After everything, I am just a normal friend now.
God tries to help me in reshaping my life, I say no I can do it myself, you'll only make it worse. I try to help her with council work, or with summaries. All I get is a NO or a thank you without realising what I actually meant to do.
God has to share with me with the people that are more important in my life, like her. She also has her own friends and the buaya guys that never leave her side (okay now they do, one got attached =)). Difference is I get jealous, God does not.
God waits and waits, so do I. Eventually I will return to God but I won't know about her.
my point is. Whatever I felt shitty about, being played or just totally devestated by what had happen is probably experienced by God in many folds. Because I know, I talk to God about her, 80% of every prayer is about her ever since the start of the year. I asked for it without thinking how it will glorify God. So I keep on praying and praying and I turned my back on God, 3 times. yes 3 times. I questioned him, I lost my faith in him, I asked him why he went back on his promise to reward me. Yes I couldn't believe it, I asked for my reward from him when I know I shouldn't.
I didn't raise my hand when swee asked will you follow me? After that during the song, I just whispered to God. Lord I will take up my cross and follow you.
Still many questions unanswered but the most impt one has been answered. I know now Lord. Let things happen according to your will.
mark