Sunday, April 19, 2009
Hi Log, just a sharing.
Monday, April 06, 2009
hey LOG,
you know things hasn't been too good for me. Its depressing nowadays and life is hanging by a thread.
Yet there are many things still to be done for the church and all and I am so grateful for those who have stepped up and those who have always been giving their all to the community. I am sorry if yall have seen the fire inside of me die a little, that is because I gave most of it away and now its just in the middle of growing it once more. It has been a great trial for me this Lent I must say and a cross so heavy to carry. Its finally Holy Week and I really hope I can rise in Christ again.
I was disappointed though, going for Stations week after week and seeing very little loggers there, but I see every other community there, together and worshipping God together. Think it has been a while since LOG went for a mass together - last time was Christmas. I ask myself, where is everyone? I go to church in the hope of having dinner with you guys after stations, but I end up just going off alone, walking to boundary road and take bus home.
Maybe we should think about where is LOG in our lives? There are people who have put in so much effort to keep the community going, and these people need the support of the other members as well. I think it isn't a place where we come every Sunday to try and receive something but it is where we give. Having said this, it is up to the person how much one wants to give and how much one expects to receive - the crux of human relationships.
I went for mass at IHM on sunday and I looked around. it dawned onto me that perhaps everyone I see deep down inside, there is hurt, loneliness or any other form of emotions that can overwhelm a person sometimes. It just calls out for people to reach out to them. Perhaps each one of us in LOG has something to share, and something we want to keep and something deep down that is hurting. we just need to reach out and share, and thats called community.
mark
"Sometimes you need to scold people even though it's entirely their choice, because their choices are hurting other people."
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______________________________________________Hi Log, just a sharing.
Session was an interesting one for me.
Songs were nice, people were aplenty. What started to bother me was ... well... people.
First, I'm not too sure what exactly he was saying but it was quite annoying.
When there was a moment when pple were suppose to voice out stuff about pledging to the community. I already began to feel a little unstable, Like a loose screw at the bottom of the cabinet just fell out. The issue of commitment in my community has recently been quite a touchy issue for me because of the supposed lack thereof. You could say I'm angry and I have haven't really forgiven them for 'turning their backs'. I cannot blame them I know, but it is very depressing for some reason. I think my greatest fear is to lose a friend, close friends who are very much a part of my life. My community is one of those groups of people. I think of my relationship with my community like that of a relationship. Right now, it's that time when there is a lot of underlying tension, the relationship feels very on/off right now.
It's emotionally draining.
So the thing is that during that period of time there was someone who kept like signaling to hurry up and carry on because there isn't much time. I know it's necessary and practical but that ticked me off just a little bit. I had every intention to speak up today, to pray damn bloody hard for the people who aren't around, for the people who let go of our hands, and we're not sure if they'll comeback. To pray for them to just find God again and to be at peace with them. To understand where they're coming from and lastly, to pray that we ourselves never forget them. My pledge was that I will never forget them and forget those who are with me right now.
When you have a nice conjured up thought in your head waiting to be verbalized I guess it's annoying when somebody 'cuts' you off. I know it's not intentional but the whole thought about our lost friend just got me a bit emo.
I think it's unhealthy to keep it all inside. sheesh.
I felt like my community isn't very together, not even like celebrating anyone of our community's birthday (annes wasn't celebrated i think), I feel like everyone is so far. But I am not too sad, I've heard that it is totally normal to become individuals again, it's normally what happens in a relationship. It was a sad thought but I'm trying to accept it.
Secondly, during a sharing, we were suppose to share. Instead it was a lecture, it was like a theoretical teaching that couldn't be digested. I was angry, the point of time when I would want to say "helloooo! it's a sharing" but everything in me said not to do that, that's just plain rude! so yea I shut up. I thought my friend would help stir it in the right direction but really it just made the session feel like cath class. It was a conflict between how i felt session should go and how it was going. Shouldn't have expectations really but i saw listlessness and deaf ears. Perhaps I was the deaf one but I felt that there was a much better way to get the real point across... an actual hearty sharing. Things weren't right. I feel like one shouldn't direct questions that way, one shouldn't put others in such a spot to share it's so... insensitive. it's like asking "how did you feel when you were all depressed going to a big place full of foreigners without us around?" The tone felt a little wrong, like he wa being teased. very inappropriate to me.
At that point I was frustrated.
Then once again, they had no time so I didn't want to really say anything. Maybe I should have maybe I shouldn't but it doesn't matter.
disclaimer: I'm just saying things from my point of view so please don't take any of this as your fault, that I'm blaming you for my sadness or something.
Then I didn't sing.
not much to be said here. I always sing.
At that point, when I heard the room singing I heard people singing to a nice song, because they are told to do so. I didn't feel any life, any real passion, nothing.
So I sat there. feeling rather miserable because I can't blame anyone, anything. When they brought out the cake I just broke.
I was touched but I was also angry. I think when you have 2 strong conflicting emotions inside.. you cry.
I am glad I have you all around really, community really isn't easy and I guess turning 20, I realize that. It's hell. Honesty community isn't just commitment but so much more. It's the intimate sharing of each other's lives.
Today's gospel was about peace and I think our community needs that. I'm really sorry I couldn't seem happier today but I'm really really glad that most of you even rmbered lest buy a cake. Please don't forget those who disappeared.
This is such an emotional entry but yea, just thought I owed an explanation.
All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. 33With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. 34There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales 35and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need. - Acts4:31
it sounds so fabulous.
Thank you once again for being there.
-jes
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______________________________________________Monday, April 06, 2009
hey LOG,
you know things hasn't been too good for me. Its depressing nowadays and life is hanging by a thread.
Yet there are many things still to be done for the church and all and I am so grateful for those who have stepped up and those who have always been giving their all to the community. I am sorry if yall have seen the fire inside of me die a little, that is because I gave most of it away and now its just in the middle of growing it once more. It has been a great trial for me this Lent I must say and a cross so heavy to carry. Its finally Holy Week and I really hope I can rise in Christ again.
I was disappointed though, going for Stations week after week and seeing very little loggers there, but I see every other community there, together and worshipping God together. Think it has been a while since LOG went for a mass together - last time was Christmas. I ask myself, where is everyone? I go to church in the hope of having dinner with you guys after stations, but I end up just going off alone, walking to boundary road and take bus home.
Maybe we should think about where is LOG in our lives? There are people who have put in so much effort to keep the community going, and these people need the support of the other members as well. I think it isn't a place where we come every Sunday to try and receive something but it is where we give. Having said this, it is up to the person how much one wants to give and how much one expects to receive - the crux of human relationships.
I went for mass at IHM on sunday and I looked around. it dawned onto me that perhaps everyone I see deep down inside, there is hurt, loneliness or any other form of emotions that can overwhelm a person sometimes. It just calls out for people to reach out to them. Perhaps each one of us in LOG has something to share, and something we want to keep and something deep down that is hurting. we just need to reach out and share, and thats called community.
mark