Hello everyone.
It's Rice here.
I just suddenly felt it necessary to share what I'm about to share. Just so that maybe you all could gain a better understanding of what I've been going through.
I just realised that my name's not under the LOGBirths anymore :( and it's kinda ouch, but oh well, I kind of deserve it so anyway,
Here goes, we all know I am a terrible LOG member, I come back and then I disappear, and the cycle kind of repeats itself. I just want to firstly say that I am sorry. And I do feel bad. And as much as it sounds really contrived, I really don't mean to. You see, this relationship that I always find myself in as most of you know, in the same way, I've been in and out of it (too many times might I add) and every single time I'm IN it, I'm OUT in LOG, and mostly with GOD as well. Call me weak, call me stupid, but I DON'T KNOW I really don't know WHY I keep walking back into it. And now that he's gone overseas, I'm been really tearing my hair out, calling out to God to PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO. You know, I know it's obvious that He's bad for me, because everytime I am in the relationship, my relationship with God and LOG suffers. And as much as I try, really I do, it always pulls me away from God. And now that he's overseas, I sometimes feel so tempted, to just pull myself out of this situation, becaue se it sucks, because after everything, here again I find myself on my bed, and crying. Again. And I feel like just pulling myself out and starting anew with God. But I'm not sure if this is what God's calling me to do. And I'm so frustrated. I've been IN and OUT of this SO MANY TIMES and I just really. really. wish I knew what God wanted for me. Because I'm miserable. A long distance relationship is not what I want for myself, on the other hand, I'm not sure if God is trying to teach me to be more patient, tolerant, independent, and not to give up so easily. I know none of you have answers, and neither do I. But, I guess all I wanted to say is, this is what I've been going through, for the longest time, and it's not that I only make time for LOG when he's not around, it really isn't, although i know it really seems that way, it's that I've been struggling for the longest time to make the two fit in my life, and I haven't, and I'm still struggling with it. And I'M SO FRUSTRATED. And I really want to be in LOG, I want to stay, but sometimes, as I'm sure you all understand, life just gets too blurry you lose sight of it, again and again. And I feel like I'm not done with battling with it yet, and as much as I know I'm a lousy LOG member, I really hope that you guys can at least see what I'm going through and see that I'm struggling with it, and hopefully support me through it.
So please, pray for me. Because I feel like I'm ready, ready to walk with Him, but if only I knew what He wanted for me. And I feel stuck in some kind of rut. All I did today was lie on my bed and sleep and watch TV Series, all the time feeling worse that I have work piling up and wondering what I should do about this torn feeling I have. I feel lost. I really feel lost.
And so, i just want you guys to know that, I really don't mean to go in and out like that, everytime I go out, I admit it's just my weakness that's the cause of it, and I miss you guys. But I just don't know what to do, because of this relationship. Ok now I"m just being repetitive. I really value what I have with you guys a lot, and I really think LOG is really special. And I do not want to lose myself again in a relationship, I do not want to lose God again. So please pray for me :( to find guidance.
Love,
Rice
7 Comments:
i feel that your love has depth, strength & maturity. maybe loving god & others each differently....
By 
,
September 25, 2010 1:14 AM
<3 <3 here for you ricer!
-jes
By ,
September 25, 2010 1:30 AM
jiayou rice! =) those who hunger for God will find Him!
By 
mark.tang,
September 25, 2010 10:51 AM
Hi Rice,
Life is going to be filled with struggles in both the faith & secular journey but stay strong & I am sure LOG will walk with you throughout your struggles the same way god is too. =)
By Gregory Suresh,
September 25, 2010 11:21 AM
you're in the log birthday scrolllllll now<3 and hughug i'm here for you(:
anne
By ,
September 25, 2010 11:17 PM
not everything that glitters is gold. not all who wander are lost. hahaha quoting from the wrong book here.
im pra-pra-praying for you!
By poey,
September 26, 2010 11:52 PM
Rice!!! Come on! Wipe those tears that you have and be strong! We are all here =) I am guilty cause I am also not back. But nevertheless, Relax! if you need a break just come back uhs! hahas! =)
Bliss
Zhane
By ,
October 12, 2010 10:20 AM