Thursday, October 14, 2010
hi log. von here.
hi log. von here.
i dont post here very often. but right now i feel alone and lost and i dont know where else to go (in the cyber world and figuratively). just got back from the hospital. baby grace is born. and it feels like a miracle. its quite gross and damn amazing, at the same time, how something of that size can come out of another human being. yes im in love. with my niece.
im really awed at the human life cycle created by God. i see my sister and adrian care, cuddle and breastfeed grace and im so thankful they put in so much effort. they went for so many classes and bought so many things (there's like 2 bed-cots in the hse). but just like con camps, the warm fuzzy feeling fades when reality starts to kick in with my mum's usual fussing. and i get so angry because my sister puts in so much effort, my mum has no right to tell her what to do.
on the way home, i guess you can say the devil really knows how to work on my emotions. it really gets to me that there were some important things a mother shld do for her child and my mother didnt do it for me. she didnt breastfeed me cos she was prolly too scared, she sent me straight to the babysitter's right out of hospital, and it continued right up til now. even now, our daily interaction is reduced to her 'using' me. i shld be too ashamed to actually describe it here. i know its prolly cos she didnt have a very good relationship with her own mum, but after so many years i cant say she's the victim any more. there were so many chances to learn, and my sister and i have been desperately reaching out, but always in vain.
it has always been like that, just more apparent now cos i know God is prolly asking me to do smtg abt it. but i dont know how. to love someone whose flaws you see so clearly, to ignore the fact that maybe all this time it wasnt love, to get past all the anger, i dont know how. all i can think of is running away. out of singapore. to backpack. to student exchange. anything. as far as i can. as long as i can.
because living with her makes me feel so ugly, so unloving.
and also completely unloved and all alone.
2 Comments:
we can 'baby talk' soon when my sis gives birth! hahaha :D anyway, jiayou von! At least you know what is wrong and you can remedy it in your own life. (:
otherwise... be patient, ( i know ta han very long alr but slowly la) bit by bit!
-jes
By 
jes,
October 15, 2010 12:22 AM
yay about baby grace, so exciting!
funny how we choose almost everything in life, except our families. stay strong von, keep praying and drawing strength from him :) keeping you in my prayers.
By Jess,
October 15, 2010 10:07 AM