Friday, May 06, 2011
hey log,
just want to share something with yall today that i've been feeling for a while now. guess it started with my fb note on TOB that ruffled feathers of BASIC.
i feel misunderstood. i feel a little victimized. and i'm tired of feeling like im fighting a lonely battle. somehow i feel that i'm seem as a person who likes to argue and will argue until i win the argument. seen as a person who has strong opinions. even seen as a person who is really serious, fierce, absolute and unable to negotiate with. i don't know where that impression comes from, which i think does exist to a certain extent. i get the vibe that people are wary of me judging them to say what is wrong or right sometimes. im not just talking about within the community, but within the ym.
it just so happens that rachel posts a video on my wall, tagging me and Mel. and i go on to comment that it is just common rhetoric, and the bantering goes on. perhaps its my phrasing, or the lack of it, that causes my words to be misconstrued as being really strong and mildly offensive. but i obviously never have the intention too. i just have the habit of wanting people to understand my point and in questioning their argument, i may have been too frank. yet i do not believe in leaving an argument hanging because i do not wish to cause any ill feelings (which i do not aim to do so anyway). i doubt any ill feelings happen in my writing class when we debate and discuss, and that is precisely what i treat it as! and in comes Gracemary who just really places an unfair judgement on what i was arguing about and conveniently refuse to hear my defence. i feel so victimized, so misunderstood. what is wrong with just arguing my point?
that tipped the scale today and also made me snap at Cheryl in Good Shepherd. I had a long talk with her after that and I do feel better. I also felt the prompting to share it with you guys because i also get the vibes from yall sometimes. back to the topic on TOB, i've told Mel and Soo that I'm tired of fighting for it, lest even teaching it now to core leaders. though its a group that is championing it, because of that FB note and because i was YMC chairman, i feel like im the front of the fight and i'm bearing the brunt of it. im tired, really.
i also shared with cheryl that i am really uncomfortable stepping into church with the fear that it is possible that my peers would argue against me on the teachings of the church. im not referring to the TOB per se, but its just an innate fear that people would challenge me on the notions of homosexual unions or contraception. this innate fear comes from, perhaps, previous experiences of me wanting to preach or argue for the Church's teachings but get slammed or am asked to be open to others' opinions. but the truth is that, there can't be any leeway for Church's teachings if we are to believe in the Risen Lord. i fear that even though on a surface level we reject the ways of the world, part of our perception has already been influenced by the world. and at that thought, i shudder, because i have not much energy to fight the world anymore. furthermore, i think i'm seem as a rule-by-rule person who doesn't allow leeway, who doesn't want compromise.
i'm not that kind of person, i implore yall to understand me. im tired and i do need a rest. that is also why i keep saying i won't be in core the next round because i ask of yall to grant me this rest or sabbatical. i look forward to WYD to renew my own faith and conviction and to spend a semester overseas to really be free and to pray. to be with God without worrying of doing ministry. these 2.5 years have been quite tiring to be honest. and i ask yall brothers and sisters to pray for me as I accept this cross of mine and to carry it with me.
mark
hey log,
just want to share something with yall today that i've been feeling for a while now. guess it started with my fb note on TOB that ruffled feathers of BASIC.
i feel misunderstood. i feel a little victimized. and i'm tired of feeling like im fighting a lonely battle. somehow i feel that i'm seem as a person who likes to argue and will argue until i win the argument. seen as a person who has strong opinions. even seen as a person who is really serious, fierce, absolute and unable to negotiate with. i don't know where that impression comes from, which i think does exist to a certain extent. i get the vibe that people are wary of me judging them to say what is wrong or right sometimes. im not just talking about within the community, but within the ym.
it just so happens that rachel posts a video on my wall, tagging me and Mel. and i go on to comment that it is just common rhetoric, and the bantering goes on. perhaps its my phrasing, or the lack of it, that causes my words to be misconstrued as being really strong and mildly offensive. but i obviously never have the intention too. i just have the habit of wanting people to understand my point and in questioning their argument, i may have been too frank. yet i do not believe in leaving an argument hanging because i do not wish to cause any ill feelings (which i do not aim to do so anyway). i doubt any ill feelings happen in my writing class when we debate and discuss, and that is precisely what i treat it as! and in comes Gracemary who just really places an unfair judgement on what i was arguing about and conveniently refuse to hear my defence. i feel so victimized, so misunderstood. what is wrong with just arguing my point?
that tipped the scale today and also made me snap at Cheryl in Good Shepherd. I had a long talk with her after that and I do feel better. I also felt the prompting to share it with you guys because i also get the vibes from yall sometimes. back to the topic on TOB, i've told Mel and Soo that I'm tired of fighting for it, lest even teaching it now to core leaders. though its a group that is championing it, because of that FB note and because i was YMC chairman, i feel like im the front of the fight and i'm bearing the brunt of it. im tired, really.
i also shared with cheryl that i am really uncomfortable stepping into church with the fear that it is possible that my peers would argue against me on the teachings of the church. im not referring to the TOB per se, but its just an innate fear that people would challenge me on the notions of homosexual unions or contraception. this innate fear comes from, perhaps, previous experiences of me wanting to preach or argue for the Church's teachings but get slammed or am asked to be open to others' opinions. but the truth is that, there can't be any leeway for Church's teachings if we are to believe in the Risen Lord. i fear that even though on a surface level we reject the ways of the world, part of our perception has already been influenced by the world. and at that thought, i shudder, because i have not much energy to fight the world anymore. furthermore, i think i'm seem as a rule-by-rule person who doesn't allow leeway, who doesn't want compromise.
i'm not that kind of person, i implore yall to understand me. im tired and i do need a rest. that is also why i keep saying i won't be in core the next round because i ask of yall to grant me this rest or sabbatical. i look forward to WYD to renew my own faith and conviction and to spend a semester overseas to really be free and to pray. to be with God without worrying of doing ministry. these 2.5 years have been quite tiring to be honest. and i ask yall brothers and sisters to pray for me as I accept this cross of mine and to carry it with me.
mark
1 Comments:
Thanks mark for sharing :) I honestly find no qualms with this, perhaps it's just my nature but yeah... I always felt that just as we are to be refined into pure silver through the heat of the flame by our God, our faith has to be tempered through some form of challenge; logical debate and arguement is one such form. The church would always need people to question, ask and further temper our faith for the coming of the Kingdom of God. Take heart.
Love,
Andrew
