I've been called to write something on the blog for a long time and at many instances. But for some reason I have always put it on hold or perhaps like the prophet Jonah, resent the message and words that I am given and asked to speak. Curious. I really wonder why I put myself through such ordeals.. I guess as always I am just afraid, or maybe it's just that I cannot truly express what I see in my head and that just frustrates me. It's probably a mixture of the two; That I am afraid that I will be misunderstood and that my true meaning is not interpreted in the way it should be.

Ah yes "should be".. Those two words are as harmless as any but put them together and they just encompass your whole concept of expectation. This estranged cousin of "what if" is what has plagued me with unyielding fury and at times truly tested my sanity and faith. Upon reflection, I realized that I was not able to fully expand on the idea of "dreams" in my session and I must apologize for eschewing my given time which was meant to share my spirituality with you all into more a time where I tried to "administer" and so picked a part of me that I believed would. I feel more and more like I have received the seed in soil with thorns and weeds; The words given to me constantly choked and stifled. This feeling is amplified by the burden of "should be", somehow it just doesn't add up and what I feel are the words that God would have me speak just don't come out right. Maybe Jess is right, that my gifting lies with speaking in prayer, where I am more tuned in with God and I just say what pops into my head. No hassle, no frustration, no worries and no need to ensure everything flows out right. This has many implications and it just goes to show that I choose to only be in tune with God at certain moments and begs questions like why can't I be in sync all the time? Why can't I hear the music of the gears ringing in my ears and see God's plan unfolding before at every moment? Why not? Isn't that how it should be?

By now you would have realized that my thoughts splinter and divide and morph into scary stuff, into questions that I cannot answer straight out and emotions that I must expend energy to silence. To be honest I have no idea why I just can't seem to focus nowadays, in many things and not just chim spiritual stuff. It's scary for me. And I am afraid because if I cannot focus on ideas and things, I cannot focus on God. Guess I really am a Ravenclaw haha. I feel like I wage a fierce battle within myself everyday and I find myself swinging from highs to lows frighteningly quickly. Story ---> When I talked to my sister about some of my problems I lamented that my demons got buffed. Then she laughed and said stack more armour then I retorted that they got armour pen... Well.... she laughed lol.

Meh. I guess that's that. I have no witty phrase, interesting quote or deep insight. I often come to this page with a yearning to share a deep and profound insight into the Mind of God. Today I came with that same purpose but all I can churn out is a sad note about how I can't. So I pray for clarity of mind, a hope that I will one day be able to be a true messenger of Christ, that I can truly believe the words that I speak for most don't come from me, and most of all I pray that I get buffed :P

Pray for me.

Be well.

Love,

Andrew