Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Eventually I did it, I'm not sure how but it felt easy, as easy as walking up 2 steps and I sat. I stayed there for as long as I could to just calm myself down and because I daren't jump down. It was rather high.
Hi guys, I shared this on my blog but something told me I should put it here too.
I'm taking a short break from daily world youth day posts because I didn't bring my magis book to Jhouse ): but here's what's been really bothering me.
I'm taking a short break from daily world youth day posts because I didn't bring my magis book to Jhouse ): but here's what's been really bothering me.
Coming back from world youth day, as my reflections have said, it was a slightly uneasy feeling. It is strange having to get into the whole humdrum of life in Singapore. When I stepped into the airport I was pretty mixed about being back and it's like post san diego but possibly stronger. I knew I needed to live life and challenge myself to put these ideals into place. The withdrawal symptoms pushed my emotions and made my entire being pine for what was experienced, almost like a drug. And as all drugs, it's never good to just live for those highs so I distracted my mind with doing fyp visuals and soon enough I felt like who I originally was. A person who hangs by her mac all day looking at inspiration from the world, stalks friends and has small conversations peppered throughout the day, shut off from the world around me as all my life is sucked into a computer, and when all that happiness is gone and all that dissatisfaction overwhelms, I head to church trying to feel something, anything, and come back to a night of slightly happier conversations. Getting into that whole routine is almost a complete contrast of who I felt free to be in Spain. There, I detached myself from the computer, refusing any inspiration but from the real living world around me, un-awkward smiles were exchanged everywhere I went, much effort was undertaken for making deep conversations and my day as awesome as possible.
Maybe that is the life I want, that is the life I desire, that is the life that I can feel God most in. I didn't know what made me so unhappy but writing it out makes everything much clearer.
Let me tell you about the tree climbing @ Tavistock.
After the first time, I could feel my skin burning as the sweat touched the fresh skin beneath the one torn off and I stopped. Away from the crowd I stood on the roots to try and gain some height but it didn't really help.
Again I tried, and while trying to go slow and steady, my foot slid down the bark dislodging several pieces of tree bark and dirt, I landed in a standing position and with feet and arms fresh from abrasion I stood there not wanting to look at myself, afraid of what I had done to myself.
You know how frustrating it is to constantly feel your foot slipping on tree bark while you climb up a tree? I stood there for ages looking at what I could leverage on and watched as my friends one after another hop, hoist or pull themselves up to that little spot where the trunk turns to branches. I felt rather dejected but I couldn't stand the fact that I couldn't do it. I knew I had to and was determined to do so. I had tried for so long, and got slightly hurt trying, I had to.
Drawing a parallel to my days, I was super annoyed with my lack of ability to translate my ideal self here and it really bugged me. I didn't know what to leverage on, what to do and so felt tremendously uncomfortable. Something in me knew I had to do something, be someone and I was very determined to do it but unconsciously, the want to be renewed was so bad, it hurt.
Eventually I did it, I'm not sure how but it felt easy, as easy as walking up 2 steps and I sat. I stayed there for as long as I could to just calm myself down and because I daren't jump down. It was rather high. Right now I'm feeling better after reading the 'call to greater things' in the magis book, I'm taking a breather but hopefully I'll dive straight into life feeling empowered once again.
This is the reason for randomly spontaneous impulses.
Climbing a tree is such inspiration, who knew?
The uneasiness is lifted like God pushing up my backpack of rocks. Maybe he'll change them into diamonds.
So now that I'm over the withdrawal, over the distractions, over the frustration of being uneasy... the call to greater things?