Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Loneliness
Hi LOG! I've been wanting to share for a while, but I could not really formulate a coherent piece. I also realise that I have yet to share about WYD, but the WYD piece will come on FB as I really want to testify to it. This reflection will just be bits of my own thoughts so far being here in Manchester - sorry for being rant-y and incoherent haha.
I was talking to Von on my travels before arriving here, at which Von was already in Korea. She mentioned something about being lonely, even though there's friends, Singaporeans and exchange buddies and so on. I kinda knew what it mean then, but now I do realise. I hang out a lot with Singaporeans, the exchange students especially. The only angmoh people are the ones I follow to Liverpool to watch matches and my flat mates which includes three Chinese, two Bulgarians, one Russian and one Czech. As I try to fit in, I find myself in a very weird position. I think in my schooling life, I never had to try and fit in to where I am. I make a lot of friends in school, but I usually stop myself from getting too close to any group. My closest friends at school include my classmates, my softball teammates and my secondary classmates. Yet we have all distanced, except for the softball guys. But all of them remain friends whom I can and will meet up time to time and have no problem being with each other once again.
Now my closest group of my friends who follow my life are you guys, yet Jes said something during the pilgrimage that did strike a chord in my heart. She noticed that I don't have a "pair" in LOG (like Mel and Soo HAHA), or any one that I am particularly super close to. I think I've shared before that I am much closest to the community than anyone in particular, or perhaps accurately, I am close to everyone equally. I replied her that I understand myself - that I am a person who is very much ok being by myself, and at times more concerned about how others are, than how others give me concern. I don't really demand that attention or concern to myself in other words. But this has its downside, because this also means I give less of myself to others as well. Perhaps it is also because I have been in core for 3 out of 6 years that I was in LOG, and that made me think a lot of macro questions rather than really personally showing love to my fellow community members. And so, I think this break is good so far, helping me make the effort to talk to people back home and also to give myself time to think. during my travels (which I will share another time), I had lots of alone time with God, which was beautiful! So pray for me yeah, for me to be a better brother to everyone! To be vulnerable as Jes had written on the stone - ask her about it, think she blogged about it!
So its the same thing here sometimes. I make a lot of friends, add them on facebook but reserve my travel plans to myself. After all, I really love travelling alone, I see things I want to see, take breaks when I want to and do not have to consult anyone. Yet I also find myself planning alone. I guess its a trade off. The mass dinners are great because its really like one big family, cooking and eating chinese dishes. The exchange students are more carefree I guess and welcoming to everyone. Whereas the permanent singapore students here already have their cliques and (couples). I praise God though, for this group of people, and also for the few catholics I found around here, one of them being Wilmer who joined MSC recently after Se7en and Joseph, an NTU exchange student. I joined the catholic chaplaincy here, and it really feels like home every Sunday. But I won't be around most Sundays from now so sigh, bo pian I guess. Its hard to hang out with the angmohs when their agenda is all partying. Thought of joining them once, but when 9pm comes, I find starcraft 2 more appealing LOL. Not my kind of lifestyle, makes me think that Manchester wasn't a really good exchange place for me other than for soccer.
Then I went to London and met up with some friends. The London family of Singaporeans, especially friends from RJC, is really wonderful. I find myself thinking back on the possibility of studying in London with all of them. It would have been nice. But then again, I also see the loneliness they feel, questioning myself whether I can do this over 3 years. So I'm left with a lot of mixed feelings. I also keep noticing how my seniors who are guys get attached to juniors who are girls, Felly included. The relationships formed now will most likely go a long way because they depend on each other throughout the time that there are overseas. its so beautiful really, and I find myself pretty envious of this. Even here in Manchester, my eye candy is attached =( haha joking!
But yes, that is still an issue for me. After rushing into the Sarah thing (argh), I find myself taking it slowly I guess. thinking about the future and what I want to do, whether a relationship will hinder it or help it. Many of you guys are attached and i feel it sometimes, but i guess im ok with waiting. what happened to more relationships whenever someone is on exchange? come guys and girls, work harder! hahaha. or is it that i am not receiving updates :p because I refrain from being close to friends sometimes, i do feel that at times, I don't have a designated person to talk to. which is a good thing because I share with everyone, but then again, it still seems like a void. like a soul mate to have beside me. this made me realise too how I overload the other person when I become attached, and I expect too much of my partner to react and to care for me - precisely because I don't demand it from anyone else but her. This is a problem I kinda just realise while I am here. So i need to open up more and still the same word, be vulnerable!
so yeah, i think i reached the end of this sharing. haha this piece is so unlike my style and so rant-y but i'm glad i got to share some thoughts that have been going thru my mind!
Loneliness
Hi LOG! I've been wanting to share for a while, but I could not really formulate a coherent piece. I also realise that I have yet to share about WYD, but the WYD piece will come on FB as I really want to testify to it. This reflection will just be bits of my own thoughts so far being here in Manchester - sorry for being rant-y and incoherent haha.
I was talking to Von on my travels before arriving here, at which Von was already in Korea. She mentioned something about being lonely, even though there's friends, Singaporeans and exchange buddies and so on. I kinda knew what it mean then, but now I do realise. I hang out a lot with Singaporeans, the exchange students especially. The only angmoh people are the ones I follow to Liverpool to watch matches and my flat mates which includes three Chinese, two Bulgarians, one Russian and one Czech. As I try to fit in, I find myself in a very weird position. I think in my schooling life, I never had to try and fit in to where I am. I make a lot of friends in school, but I usually stop myself from getting too close to any group. My closest friends at school include my classmates, my softball teammates and my secondary classmates. Yet we have all distanced, except for the softball guys. But all of them remain friends whom I can and will meet up time to time and have no problem being with each other once again.
Now my closest group of my friends who follow my life are you guys, yet Jes said something during the pilgrimage that did strike a chord in my heart. She noticed that I don't have a "pair" in LOG (like Mel and Soo HAHA), or any one that I am particularly super close to. I think I've shared before that I am much closest to the community than anyone in particular, or perhaps accurately, I am close to everyone equally. I replied her that I understand myself - that I am a person who is very much ok being by myself, and at times more concerned about how others are, than how others give me concern. I don't really demand that attention or concern to myself in other words. But this has its downside, because this also means I give less of myself to others as well. Perhaps it is also because I have been in core for 3 out of 6 years that I was in LOG, and that made me think a lot of macro questions rather than really personally showing love to my fellow community members. And so, I think this break is good so far, helping me make the effort to talk to people back home and also to give myself time to think. during my travels (which I will share another time), I had lots of alone time with God, which was beautiful! So pray for me yeah, for me to be a better brother to everyone! To be vulnerable as Jes had written on the stone - ask her about it, think she blogged about it!
So its the same thing here sometimes. I make a lot of friends, add them on facebook but reserve my travel plans to myself. After all, I really love travelling alone, I see things I want to see, take breaks when I want to and do not have to consult anyone. Yet I also find myself planning alone. I guess its a trade off. The mass dinners are great because its really like one big family, cooking and eating chinese dishes. The exchange students are more carefree I guess and welcoming to everyone. Whereas the permanent singapore students here already have their cliques and (couples). I praise God though, for this group of people, and also for the few catholics I found around here, one of them being Wilmer who joined MSC recently after Se7en and Joseph, an NTU exchange student. I joined the catholic chaplaincy here, and it really feels like home every Sunday. But I won't be around most Sundays from now so sigh, bo pian I guess. Its hard to hang out with the angmohs when their agenda is all partying. Thought of joining them once, but when 9pm comes, I find starcraft 2 more appealing LOL. Not my kind of lifestyle, makes me think that Manchester wasn't a really good exchange place for me other than for soccer.
Then I went to London and met up with some friends. The London family of Singaporeans, especially friends from RJC, is really wonderful. I find myself thinking back on the possibility of studying in London with all of them. It would have been nice. But then again, I also see the loneliness they feel, questioning myself whether I can do this over 3 years. So I'm left with a lot of mixed feelings. I also keep noticing how my seniors who are guys get attached to juniors who are girls, Felly included. The relationships formed now will most likely go a long way because they depend on each other throughout the time that there are overseas. its so beautiful really, and I find myself pretty envious of this. Even here in Manchester, my eye candy is attached =( haha joking!
But yes, that is still an issue for me. After rushing into the Sarah thing (argh), I find myself taking it slowly I guess. thinking about the future and what I want to do, whether a relationship will hinder it or help it. Many of you guys are attached and i feel it sometimes, but i guess im ok with waiting. what happened to more relationships whenever someone is on exchange? come guys and girls, work harder! hahaha. or is it that i am not receiving updates :p because I refrain from being close to friends sometimes, i do feel that at times, I don't have a designated person to talk to. which is a good thing because I share with everyone, but then again, it still seems like a void. like a soul mate to have beside me. this made me realise too how I overload the other person when I become attached, and I expect too much of my partner to react and to care for me - precisely because I don't demand it from anyone else but her. This is a problem I kinda just realise while I am here. So i need to open up more and still the same word, be vulnerable!
so yeah, i think i reached the end of this sharing. haha this piece is so unlike my style and so rant-y but i'm glad i got to share some thoughts that have been going thru my mind!
2 Comments:
omg <3 affirm u much tangtang.
By 
,
October 05, 2011 11:33 PM
haha. indeed! this does not sound like you! but it's still nice (:
By 
jes,
October 06, 2011 1:23 AM