Saturday, November 19, 2011
The Joyful giver
HELLO THERE.
I liked supper today. it's one of those suppers with a nice warm fuzzy ending (not uneasy, depressing ones) and it made my day a lot less depressing so thanks. (:
Of late, I don't think I've been that great. General background info
My high from WYD inevitably died down (though trying very hard to not let my commitments go).
I got caught up doing craft things for my design mod which I'm really happy about because it turned out great.
Studying for media law has made me realize I have no aptitude for long text and essays
I get very flustered and demoralized doing FYP because I see my limitations very very clearly and worry for my future.
Living a lot of my life online while I'm at home leads me to wanderlust and be very dissatisfied where I am.
In general, these little things kinda add up and made me very unhappy and thus when I went into confi retreat I was really quite off. I felt like I wasn't the best facil I could be and was very out of the zone while the entire retreat was in the zone with the spirit. I was just trying to last till the end of retreat and then go back and just let all the disappointment out. I dug myself into a hole and hid there.
But thank god he balances things out eventually.
The very small moment that made me happy was when I sang at daily mass. Let me digress first. You know how I've been saying that PnW just don't work for me anymore? I just don't really mean what I sing and I know it. I try but there is a certain disconnect and after reading the little article that tang and jon posted, I am more skeptical about me singing like that. It always came across to me as very hypocritical and I judged others through that lens so after a while I feel myself trying to run away from PnWs because I don't want to be in that very 'self conscious' situation. But I can't. Maybe it's to practice what I preach, but I'm there almost for the sole reason that I am part of a community and we need to visibly be together. Like how you should sit up and talk to each other when sharing because you need to visibly look interested in the other person, something I feel I neglect sometimes. I DIGRESS TOO FAR.
Anyway my point is that while singing at daily mass, that's the feeling. The feeling like the words are speaking to you and that you can really sing and proclaim it to people. Maybe it's the nature of the music in PnW(gets abit too high and I'm not in the right disposition yet) or that it's christian based (something that really bothered me during a dinner conversation with my confi group) I feel more comfortable doing chanty(TAIZE!), mellow, catholic based things (like singing down in adoration and mass chants because I know where they are from and they help me get in the zone of worshipping better)
So really singing the mass songs and chants, feeling like I have to absorb and bring that message across to people, to really embody that message, struck a heart string somewhere and that would probably be my God moment this week. I also felt quite affirmed that when people don't say I sound squeaky over the mic because I always thought I did. There is something about singing to a mic and not really hearing yourself, it's like you don't need to be there. Not that I want to be a stand alone voice from a choir but if you hear yourself, you feel like you are contributing more and in some sense making a difference.
In my discernment about gifts, although I didn't give myself much time to think about it, I also felt quite affirmed that I can actually design things because art critics are tough and anal and too perfectionistic and there is so much good stuff out there it's quite easy to feel measly in the industry.(oh the arts.) It got me down quite a bit because my future seemed a little bleak but with a renewed hope and motivation in it I guess I really want to give God-art a try (I've been wanting to for the longest time but I just never got to it)
Yup. I guess that's all I have to share. Hope you guys thought about your gifts.
If you get stuck go look at your God moments or your joys of the week! It might help you discern how you can be a joyful giver.
Speaking of which. I dislike the gift of service in the paper thing. it's the vague-est thing ever! :O ok. not dislikedislike but one of those "WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN" kind of moments.
I'm so happy to feel happy. (:
-jes
The Joyful giver
HELLO THERE.
I liked supper today. it's one of those suppers with a nice warm fuzzy ending (not uneasy, depressing ones) and it made my day a lot less depressing so thanks. (:
Of late, I don't think I've been that great. General background info
My high from WYD inevitably died down (though trying very hard to not let my commitments go).
I got caught up doing craft things for my design mod which I'm really happy about because it turned out great.
Studying for media law has made me realize I have no aptitude for long text and essays
I get very flustered and demoralized doing FYP because I see my limitations very very clearly and worry for my future.
Living a lot of my life online while I'm at home leads me to wanderlust and be very dissatisfied where I am.
In general, these little things kinda add up and made me very unhappy and thus when I went into confi retreat I was really quite off. I felt like I wasn't the best facil I could be and was very out of the zone while the entire retreat was in the zone with the spirit. I was just trying to last till the end of retreat and then go back and just let all the disappointment out. I dug myself into a hole and hid there.
But thank god he balances things out eventually.
The very small moment that made me happy was when I sang at daily mass. Let me digress first. You know how I've been saying that PnW just don't work for me anymore? I just don't really mean what I sing and I know it. I try but there is a certain disconnect and after reading the little article that tang and jon posted, I am more skeptical about me singing like that. It always came across to me as very hypocritical and I judged others through that lens so after a while I feel myself trying to run away from PnWs because I don't want to be in that very 'self conscious' situation. But I can't. Maybe it's to practice what I preach, but I'm there almost for the sole reason that I am part of a community and we need to visibly be together. Like how you should sit up and talk to each other when sharing because you need to visibly look interested in the other person, something I feel I neglect sometimes. I DIGRESS TOO FAR.
Anyway my point is that while singing at daily mass, that's the feeling. The feeling like the words are speaking to you and that you can really sing and proclaim it to people. Maybe it's the nature of the music in PnW(gets abit too high and I'm not in the right disposition yet) or that it's christian based (something that really bothered me during a dinner conversation with my confi group) I feel more comfortable doing chanty(TAIZE!), mellow, catholic based things (like singing down in adoration and mass chants because I know where they are from and they help me get in the zone of worshipping better)
So really singing the mass songs and chants, feeling like I have to absorb and bring that message across to people, to really embody that message, struck a heart string somewhere and that would probably be my God moment this week. I also felt quite affirmed that when people don't say I sound squeaky over the mic because I always thought I did. There is something about singing to a mic and not really hearing yourself, it's like you don't need to be there. Not that I want to be a stand alone voice from a choir but if you hear yourself, you feel like you are contributing more and in some sense making a difference.
In my discernment about gifts, although I didn't give myself much time to think about it, I also felt quite affirmed that I can actually design things because art critics are tough and anal and too perfectionistic and there is so much good stuff out there it's quite easy to feel measly in the industry.(oh the arts.) It got me down quite a bit because my future seemed a little bleak but with a renewed hope and motivation in it I guess I really want to give God-art a try (I've been wanting to for the longest time but I just never got to it)
Yup. I guess that's all I have to share. Hope you guys thought about your gifts.
If you get stuck go look at your God moments or your joys of the week! It might help you discern how you can be a joyful giver.
Speaking of which. I dislike the gift of service in the paper thing. it's the vague-est thing ever! :O ok. not dislikedislike but one of those "WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN" kind of moments.
I'm so happy to feel happy. (:
-jes