Thursday, December 22, 2011
Awaken!
I am not one to churn my thoughts into words. So I beg for one’s pardon if the words I have written seem incoherent.
The main lesson I took away from the Awaken Camp was, in the words of St. James, “ ...and someone will say: You have faith; I have deeds. Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. “
The words of scripture above cannot be read as such as I have put it. (For your reading pleasure, it comes from James 2) The lesson learnt is as such: faith without good works is nothing, and works without faith is just as dead.
For me, the Awaken experience could be considered a certain form of renewal. And perhaps I may boast that it did not affect considerably the way that I would lead my life; but only outwardly. This is because, from an external standpoint - the human standpoint, the life that I have been leading would not be considered bad in anyway. Many things that I do are not excessive; I am again proud to say that I do not think that I have committed any grievous sins; I pray and people have commented that I seem to be quite a good life!
Ah! But then you would say to yourself, “What a self-righteous fellow this person is!” And yes, you are perfectly correct to think and comment in such a manner. Through this camp, it has been brought more to my consciousness that I am a Pharisee. I am self-righteous, indignant and hypocritical. Who but a Pharisee can believe that he is better than another? And I believed that I was better! Again, not in outwardly things like looks (duh!) and grades, but of character and spirituality!
Alas, one can now connect the dots to St James’ words, albeit abruptly. St. James meant to say that if we have true faith, the faith that we could love as Jesus did, good works will follow. And we know that to be true. The love here being the love such that God gave his only son Jesus to die for us on the cross; the greatest love that a man can give for his friends is to die for them. Hence the faith here refers to and reveals the love that God has shown unto man. This real faith is one that will lead to good works being done for God’s glory.
That being said, how can good deeds without faith not be anything? For any man, we recognise that the capital sins are mostly extrinsic. Gluttony is the love for food; envy stems from comparison with others; lust, from the desire of pleasure. If we ponder carefully, we hence would realise that only the capital sin of pride is intrinsic. It is from within. Indeed, according to tradition, pride made the devil. It has also been widely considered that the sin of pride is the root for almost every other sin - it is the mother of all sins.
And for men to do good works without faith, or love, would results in the sin of pride. For he would be doing nothing for the glory of God, but only for the love of oneself. He becomes conceited, and perhaps a warped view of the world would result, as it has resulted in yours truly. The warped view that one is loved my God more than others; the stance that one is better than all others, and God’s favour rests upon him.
Through the camp’s experience, I have come to the concrete realisation that God loves all too much more than our puny human existence can even comprehend. God’s love is infinite and boundless. And timely enough this reminder has struck me as I undertake a role to lead my institution’s faith community.
I have to emphasize that this realisation did not just root itself my mind during this camp alone. I have been constantly aware of this particular fault of mine. However it was an arduous journey to find the strength to overcome this, especially when the cause of pride was a spiritual pride. But this camp did serve as a reminder and catalyst to ultimately find my catharsis.
As I recount my God experiences for the hope that people become inspired, it must be noted that I still lapse in my judgement. The only way to conquer spiritual pride is to believe and constantly remind oneself it is through the love of God that I am made whole.
My “awakening” or “renewal” or whatever you may call it, did not happen at any specific point during the camp. It is in retrospect that I acknowledge and appreciate the camp’s programme. Participating through the entire camp’s activities is crucial to have a wholesome understanding of the love of God - both in the mind and in the heart.
This camp is not very different from the other church camps one may have been to, in terms of structure. But I do have to add that this camp prepares oneself intensely to think and reflect on our past selves, so that we may be ready to receive and partake of God’s love that He meant for us. For it is not God that is denying us from His love when we sin, but rather it is ourselves that deny Him from loving us. Thus we expect the sacrament of reconciliation would have a part to play in this camp in preparing our journey to be reconciled with his boundless love once again.
Again, not to go into details, I recount my God experiences.
The following happened on Day 3:
... As the Father William began to make his rounds with the Blessed Sacrament, I prayed. I prayed for my heart to be open so that I would feel and experience God. As I looked towards the left where the priest was coming from, I closed my eyes and prayed. First normally, than in tongues. With my eyes closed, I heard a people coming around me to pray over me - some in tongues, some without. Then the darkness in my closed eyes turned a brilliant gold, and heat, so hot as if someone was putting a boiling kettle towards the face came. I moved back away from the heat from instinct, as I fell to the ground - painlessly and tearing.
Whilst on the ground, I prayed in tongues, a conscious tongues. But I still closed my eyes. I then decided, while still praying that I would get up. I opened my eyes, and tried to get up. But as if some invisible for was strapping me to the floor - I could not get up, for I felt too heavy and tired. I rested some more. After a few more minutes, could I then get up, although I was still feeling absolutely heavy. All this while I was still praying in tongues. I prayed till the Blessed Sacrament was kept...
Day 4:
... Again Father took out the Blessed Sacrament and placed it in the monstrance. We prostrated, and as I got up to kneel, while still eyes closed, I could see flames consuming my vision, coming in from the peripheral extremes. I could feel the heat from the flames upon my eyes. It was at this moment where my eyes filled with tears, and I cried, as my heart so filled with the dependence for God and His love.
Then as I felt His love, a thought came into my head to make me wonder whether what I had felt, would be comparable to others. I knew this was pride welling in me. Then I concentrated even harder on the Blessed Sacrament, saying out loud in my prayers, “Come Lord Jesus, Come Holy Spirit, I love You Lord Jesus.” This helped me to filter out those thoughts that began to enter, and as I recited those words.
I began to pray in tongues and once again, I rested in the spirit. My eyes again closed. My eyelids were twitching uncontrollably, as I felt the muscles in my eyes convulsing. It may be noted at this point that prior to this, I had prayed for healing on the eyes, as I was experiencing some strain in the eyes. It is no coincidence I believe that all these things happened to my eyes.
As that was happening, I could see whirls of gold flying around as my eyes were closed. If I recall correctly, what happened after that was a vision, in black and brilliant green of a scene of many people, dominions of them worshipping around a throne...
At this point, I think I have said enough about the experiences, because even though there were more, I believe that the other events were somehow very similar to what those mentioned above.
This camp once again renewed and revived my little faith. As I continue to struggle with my spiritual pride, it is deeply hoped that all who read this will intercede for me, and also be inspired that this God that we believe in, is a living God. He is real and He loves us.
I leave you a quote from St. Paul in this letter to the Galatians. In Galatians 2:20 it says: “ I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
And it is hoped that all who are believers may have the grace and humility to let Christ live in their hearts as they live out their faith fervently and with an undying fire. Amen.
-Raphael
Awaken!
I am not one to churn my thoughts into words. So I beg for one’s pardon if the words I have written seem incoherent.
The main lesson I took away from the Awaken Camp was, in the words of St. James, “ ...and someone will say: You have faith; I have deeds. Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. “
The words of scripture above cannot be read as such as I have put it. (For your reading pleasure, it comes from James 2) The lesson learnt is as such: faith without good works is nothing, and works without faith is just as dead.
For me, the Awaken experience could be considered a certain form of renewal. And perhaps I may boast that it did not affect considerably the way that I would lead my life; but only outwardly. This is because, from an external standpoint - the human standpoint, the life that I have been leading would not be considered bad in anyway. Many things that I do are not excessive; I am again proud to say that I do not think that I have committed any grievous sins; I pray and people have commented that I seem to be quite a good life!
Ah! But then you would say to yourself, “What a self-righteous fellow this person is!” And yes, you are perfectly correct to think and comment in such a manner. Through this camp, it has been brought more to my consciousness that I am a Pharisee. I am self-righteous, indignant and hypocritical. Who but a Pharisee can believe that he is better than another? And I believed that I was better! Again, not in outwardly things like looks (duh!) and grades, but of character and spirituality!
Alas, one can now connect the dots to St James’ words, albeit abruptly. St. James meant to say that if we have true faith, the faith that we could love as Jesus did, good works will follow. And we know that to be true. The love here being the love such that God gave his only son Jesus to die for us on the cross; the greatest love that a man can give for his friends is to die for them. Hence the faith here refers to and reveals the love that God has shown unto man. This real faith is one that will lead to good works being done for God’s glory.
That being said, how can good deeds without faith not be anything? For any man, we recognise that the capital sins are mostly extrinsic. Gluttony is the love for food; envy stems from comparison with others; lust, from the desire of pleasure. If we ponder carefully, we hence would realise that only the capital sin of pride is intrinsic. It is from within. Indeed, according to tradition, pride made the devil. It has also been widely considered that the sin of pride is the root for almost every other sin - it is the mother of all sins.
And for men to do good works without faith, or love, would results in the sin of pride. For he would be doing nothing for the glory of God, but only for the love of oneself. He becomes conceited, and perhaps a warped view of the world would result, as it has resulted in yours truly. The warped view that one is loved my God more than others; the stance that one is better than all others, and God’s favour rests upon him.
Through the camp’s experience, I have come to the concrete realisation that God loves all too much more than our puny human existence can even comprehend. God’s love is infinite and boundless. And timely enough this reminder has struck me as I undertake a role to lead my institution’s faith community.
I have to emphasize that this realisation did not just root itself my mind during this camp alone. I have been constantly aware of this particular fault of mine. However it was an arduous journey to find the strength to overcome this, especially when the cause of pride was a spiritual pride. But this camp did serve as a reminder and catalyst to ultimately find my catharsis.
As I recount my God experiences for the hope that people become inspired, it must be noted that I still lapse in my judgement. The only way to conquer spiritual pride is to believe and constantly remind oneself it is through the love of God that I am made whole.
My “awakening” or “renewal” or whatever you may call it, did not happen at any specific point during the camp. It is in retrospect that I acknowledge and appreciate the camp’s programme. Participating through the entire camp’s activities is crucial to have a wholesome understanding of the love of God - both in the mind and in the heart.
This camp is not very different from the other church camps one may have been to, in terms of structure. But I do have to add that this camp prepares oneself intensely to think and reflect on our past selves, so that we may be ready to receive and partake of God’s love that He meant for us. For it is not God that is denying us from His love when we sin, but rather it is ourselves that deny Him from loving us. Thus we expect the sacrament of reconciliation would have a part to play in this camp in preparing our journey to be reconciled with his boundless love once again.
Again, not to go into details, I recount my God experiences.
The following happened on Day 3:
... As the Father William began to make his rounds with the Blessed Sacrament, I prayed. I prayed for my heart to be open so that I would feel and experience God. As I looked towards the left where the priest was coming from, I closed my eyes and prayed. First normally, than in tongues. With my eyes closed, I heard a people coming around me to pray over me - some in tongues, some without. Then the darkness in my closed eyes turned a brilliant gold, and heat, so hot as if someone was putting a boiling kettle towards the face came. I moved back away from the heat from instinct, as I fell to the ground - painlessly and tearing.
Whilst on the ground, I prayed in tongues, a conscious tongues. But I still closed my eyes. I then decided, while still praying that I would get up. I opened my eyes, and tried to get up. But as if some invisible for was strapping me to the floor - I could not get up, for I felt too heavy and tired. I rested some more. After a few more minutes, could I then get up, although I was still feeling absolutely heavy. All this while I was still praying in tongues. I prayed till the Blessed Sacrament was kept...
Day 4:
... Again Father took out the Blessed Sacrament and placed it in the monstrance. We prostrated, and as I got up to kneel, while still eyes closed, I could see flames consuming my vision, coming in from the peripheral extremes. I could feel the heat from the flames upon my eyes. It was at this moment where my eyes filled with tears, and I cried, as my heart so filled with the dependence for God and His love.
Then as I felt His love, a thought came into my head to make me wonder whether what I had felt, would be comparable to others. I knew this was pride welling in me. Then I concentrated even harder on the Blessed Sacrament, saying out loud in my prayers, “Come Lord Jesus, Come Holy Spirit, I love You Lord Jesus.” This helped me to filter out those thoughts that began to enter, and as I recited those words.
I began to pray in tongues and once again, I rested in the spirit. My eyes again closed. My eyelids were twitching uncontrollably, as I felt the muscles in my eyes convulsing. It may be noted at this point that prior to this, I had prayed for healing on the eyes, as I was experiencing some strain in the eyes. It is no coincidence I believe that all these things happened to my eyes.
As that was happening, I could see whirls of gold flying around as my eyes were closed. If I recall correctly, what happened after that was a vision, in black and brilliant green of a scene of many people, dominions of them worshipping around a throne...
At this point, I think I have said enough about the experiences, because even though there were more, I believe that the other events were somehow very similar to what those mentioned above.
This camp once again renewed and revived my little faith. As I continue to struggle with my spiritual pride, it is deeply hoped that all who read this will intercede for me, and also be inspired that this God that we believe in, is a living God. He is real and He loves us.
I leave you a quote from St. Paul in this letter to the Galatians. In Galatians 2:20 it says: “ I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
And it is hoped that all who are believers may have the grace and humility to let Christ live in their hearts as they live out their faith fervently and with an undying fire. Amen.
-Raphael
1 Comments:
I'm guessing raphael wrote this? Thank you for your heartfelt sharing, for it being so honest! praise God for all the good he has worked in your life :)
By 
,
December 22, 2011 8:01 AM