Monday, December 05, 2011
St Berns the trilogy
Hey log, I slept from 5pm to 2.30am after I got back from camp and so since I'm awake at this crazy hour I decided I shall be productive and pen down my thoughts on St Berns. For starters, I wasn't supposed to do St Berns cause I didn't sign up for it but melmel asked me to do session with him and somehow that also meant me doing a pnw slot.
St Berns the trilogy
Hey log, I slept from 5pm to 2.30am after I got back from camp and so since I'm awake at this crazy hour I decided I shall be productive and pen down my thoughts on St Berns. For starters, I wasn't supposed to do St Berns cause I didn't sign up for it but melmel asked me to do session with him and somehow that also meant me doing a pnw slot.
For me I think St Berns has been a unique camp experience, it's the first camp that I had to do a session and pnw. It's also the first one that I had to stay for only one particular session. The whole period of preparation leading up to camp was also quite new for me cause I didn't have to go for all the spiritual preps and didn't quite undergo the same level of preparation for the camp as the rest of the service team. A lot of it came down to me finding those moments by myself where I could pray about things, though in the end it still resulted me being my usual self and procrastinating till the very last min on saturday night just before our session but more on that later.
I think the focus the experience for me has been very much a struggle with fear. I found it so hard to fully surrender myself to the Lord's graces. I found it so hard to be able to speak the words and do the things that He asked me to do. I found it so difficult to just step out of what I found comfortable. Too often I found myself asking for courage above all things, courage to stare down my fears which were not of Him and drive them back. Even though I only came for pretty much 1 night and 1 morning of camp I've had a lot of God experiences that are worth sharing but I'd like to share one in particular which only had 2 mortal witnesses.
Back to the time that melmel and I were preparing for session, I had just come back to camp after a family dinner and was feeling very out of place and out of sync after everyone had gone through praying over. I was fortunate enough to manage to hear their beautiful testimonies for myself but still I felt so disconnected with God. During debrief I started feeling very troubled, I started to sink into my own fears and I suddenly had this disturbing vision of me like resting next to a wall with my wrists cut and there was blood everywhere. After debrief I went to the prayer room to try and sort things out, I was very troubled and afraid. When I went into the prayer room the blessed sacrament was already kept and was lit by only one candle. I decided not to turn on the lights and just try and sit in the quiet darkness. I focused on the light of the candle and how it illuminated the room and the cross above it. I was feeling better and I closed my eyes then suddenly the candle just went out. I was very spooked and just rushed out of the prayer room.
I came down to find mel to plan session but I was just paralyzed by fear and I kept reading my notes again and again about session but nothing was going into my head. I couldn't think properly and my thoughts weren't coming together at all. So I was just like stuck there and so frustrated with myself. Mel saw that I wasn't all that fine and so he asked if I was ok and I shared with him what happened earlier. With me being so distressed we ended up back at the prayer room to try and sort things out again. This time with all the lights on and two candles lit. And so we both prayed. I don't know how long we spent in that prayer room but for me it felt like an eternity. I was trying to fight back my fears but in the end I just surrendered to God. I can't remember now what I told God during that time and I don't think it really mattered cause He just took over and washed away my fears. All this while mel was beside me praying too. We left the prayer room and I felt much better about things though I was probably a bit shaken but the fear had left me and God was there. Thus began the long night of planning for session starting at probably 12 midnight till about 3 in the morning...
I originally thought about leaving this be but I feel that this is something that has to be said for it is truly a testimony of how God has been faithful. Worship went erh ok ish (that's a whole other story haha) and session went well also. Truly God overcame all the odds and triumphed over all the fears that I had. It is also a testimony to the strength of community and really if mel wasn't there I wouldn't know what to do. I'm still thinking of that night and I keep wondering if that was some spiritual attack or just a manifestation of my fears but I feel that it doesn't really matter anymore for God has won the great victory.
Very often we find it hard to trust in God but really I think there is nothing to fear if we do for He is indeed faithful.
Love,
Andrew